“I identified 6 things I need to manage my mental health”
Tunbridge Wells club member, Zoë Gibson Quirk, spoke to us about conceiving and caring for her son, Spike, whilst protecting her mental health.
Photos: Lucy Willis
Interview: Alex KohanskyCan you talk me through the very beginning - your decision to become a mother and journey to become pregnant?
I have always loved being around children but working in sustainability and having previously suffered from a mental health crisis, I worried about the impact of having a child on our planet and on my mind. I work as a strategist and so I’m well trained in over researching and over thinking(!), so I read many books and spoke to lots of people about living with children or living child-free.
When my husband, Tom, and I found out we’d only be able to conceive through IVF, we were confronted by the need to discuss and imagine a future with and without children. There is nothing like large invoices and sharp needles to clarify your thinking.
The emotional and financial burden of IVF is huge. To help manage this, we discussed our limits and set a review point where we would pause and rethink. Putting that in place before starting treatment was really helpful for us both.
How many rounds did you end up having?
We prepaid for two rounds of IVF but only needed one. After the agonising attrition wait, we had one embryo, and that embryo resulted in one baby!
Our treatment was during Covid when Omicron was everywhere, which put added pressure and anxiety on the process. If either one of us had caught it, we wouldn’t have been able to go into the clinic and through the process, which meant very expensive, short shelf life drugs would have been paid for but gone to waste as we’d have to abandon the cycle. Luckily our period of isolation paid off and we were able to go ahead with the egg collection and transfer. But in the days leading up to the pregnancy test, we both caught covid - which meant three positive tests in one week!
How did you feel when you saw that positive pregnancy test?
Relief. We weren’t really in the mood for celebrations because we still had a long way to go. We only had one embryo and the thought of having to go right back to the beginning felt huge. So just very relieved.
How was your pregnancy?
I was really well monitored throughout because of the IVF, my mental health and because late in my pregnancy I developed Gestational Diabetes. I had one great midwife the whole way through and I found this consistency very reassuring.
What was your birth like?
I opted for an elective c-section, which felt like the right option for me because of the IVF, Gestational Diabetes and my mental health. I had a couple of phone calls with my psychiatrist during my pregnancy so understood how pregnancy and birth could affect my mental health. Exhaustion and sleep deprivation can trigger psychosis in new mothers, so I knew it was going to be really important for me to protect my sleep as much is as feasibly possible with a newborn. Having a planned c-section meant I didn’t start life with a tiny, brand new baby completely exhausted.
I had a great birth experience. I felt very looked after and well prepared by the Bump & Baby Club session on c-sections, which explained how many people would be in the room and how that can sometimes feel overwhelming if you’re not prepared.
How did you feel meeting your baby?
Like with the pregnancy test, I was relieved. Relieved we had made it to this moment after months and years of unknowns!
How was the moment of leaving hospital and heading home?
It was rushed and disorganised. We had stayed in the hospital for a couple of nights for monitoring which was good, but I suddenly felt the desperate need to leave whilst also feeling overwhelmed about looking after a baby without the hospital support network. But we were very well supported by the midwife team who gave me lots of reassurance, prepared our documents at the speed my need to leave demanded, and set us on our way!
We had a car seat but of course it wasn’t fitted to the size of Spike, so adjusting that was stress-inducing! After being convinced he wouldn’t survive the journey, we made it home where we were supported my mum for a few days.
How were the early days and weeks of motherhood?
They weren’t easy. We discovered Spike had tongue-tie so the feeding was difficult. Luckily, we had the support of a brilliant baby-feeding charity who lent us equipment, helped us navigate booking appointments and fuelled us with brownies. Having to manage both bottle and breast feeding turned out to be really helpful for me - it meant we could share feeds and I could catch up on sleep.
How did you find breastfeeding generally?
It was fine. We did it for six months but I didn't love it. Spike’s tongue-tie and my constant need to fidget meant it wasn’t overly comfortable. Eventually we got to a point where it didn’t feel very enjoyable for either of us - it was such a wrestle. He was a wriggler - he just wanted to be moving - and it was easier to us to have calmer times with a bottle.
And again, this helped me to protect my mental health - I could prioritise my sleep by sharing the huge responsibility of feeding my baby with others.
Are you ok to talk about what you went through with your mental health before having Spike, and any methods you’ve used to protect it during motherhood?
Sure. I spent 2016 completely focused on running my own business, at the detriment of everything else. In 2017 I was burnt out, exhausted and felt completely out of control. I was plagued by self-harm, weight loss and suicidal thoughts. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression which resulted in me spending a fortnight in a psychiatric hospital. I was lucky to have a great network of support and the time to focus on getting better and saying well.
As I emerged from the quagmire of mental illness, I wondered how I was going to prevent myself from getting unwell again. Was it possible to get better, and to stay well? I started to research mental illness, recovery and maintenance. I bought books, read articles, took online courses, attended seminars, watched videos, and even took a job to understand what was being taught in schools. Was there a lesson or two I’d missed?
Over time, and with much experimentation, I identified six things I need to manage my mental health… I need to rest, to eat well and to exercise. I need to feel part of a community, to appreciate the natural world around me and to learn new things. We are all individuals living in very different circumstances, but I truly believe we all need the same six things to survive, and thrive.
When I became a mother these six things became increasingly important for me to manage my mental health. Welcoming a baby is such an unpredictable adjustment to life, that remembering my core needs really helped me to stay in someway connected to myself in the madness of becoming a mum. Doing small things to serve these core needs - eat, rest, exercise, community, nature and learning - no matter how small or how basic, helped me to stay well.
For exercise, at first this might have been walking up and downstairs more than once in a day, in time one lap around the local park, after a few months a few lengths in my local swimming pool. For food, this was being well stocked in breastfeeding snacks, and having a freezer stacked with ready meals. For community, I had my Bump & Baby Club friends, I relied of family members who live nearby and the hellos to strangers around town on short walks for coffees or fresh air were vital.
I made a simple notebook tracker for myself and actually got a few more printed which I sell so that other people can track theirs, and I continue to write about mental health.
What have been some of the biggest joys and challenges of motherhood so far?
The biggest joys are definitely Spike discovering new skills and doing new things - it’s like I can rediscover the world through his eyes. There were some daffodils on the table earlier in the year, he walked in, stopped, looked at me, pointed and them and said,“Wow!” I was like, "Yes, true, they do look pretty good!” He now calls all flowers “WOW-wahs” and it’s a constant reminder of how brilliant and beautiful flowers are, and nature is.
Seeing him interact with his cousins is very sweet. They live close and are similar in age, which was the case for me and my cousins growing up too. It’s a nice reminder of my own childhood and the relationships I have built with them over the years.
The brutal bits for me were rainy days shut indoors, with an energetic baby and dog! How many soft plays can we visit in a week?!
Company and shared parenting definitely saved me. I’ve had the support of my friends from Bump & Baby Club from the start and through each stage. During the early days we motivated each other to meet in the parks and join a baby massage class, now we watch as our toddlers dart about and form their own friendships. Having that shared experience and camaraderie has been essential. I feel lucky that it has never felt competitive, just open conversations and shared understanding that we’re trying to get through the difficult times and share the good times together. I also feel really lucky that I didn’t have the stress of having to find my community after my baby arrived.
Do you have any advice to share with people who are very early on in their journey?
Advice is difficult. When I’ve been given it, I haven’t always enjoyed hearing it, so I don’t tend to dish it out! I remember when I was struggling with breastfeeding and someone said, "It gets so much easier at six weeks,” I was like, "I’m on day four and can hardly bear to think about feeding him in two hours!” Also, some people seem to say, "Only you know what's best for your child, so trust your instincts,” maybe that’s true as you get to know them and yourself as a parent, but when they’re so tiny and you’re so new to it and you’re in a moment of heightened stress, it’s very difficult to search for your so-called instincts!
The thing that’s helped me most is learning to lean on people more, to ask for help. I don’t think it is something many people find easy but I have found it essential to stay well.
Also, on a practical level, kitting out a child is endless and expensive. The rate at which you get through clothes and toys is crazy. I’ve saved money and alleviated a bit of my climate anxiety by buying and selling through The Octopus Club. I’ve bought sleeping bags, boots, coats, babygrows, leggings, nursery bundles, toy hoovers! You name it, they have it or will help you find it!
Do you have any suggestions for people who are currently considering whether or not to have a baby, like you once were?
There were four books that punctuated the different stages of my journey to becoming a parent.. The first was Sheila Yeti’s book, called Motherhood. In it she poses that in every decision we make in life, there are losses and gains. This thinking continues to bring me both courage and comfort when making decisions, not just about having children or caring for my child, but in the whole of life. I find expectations dangerous as I think they lead you to disappointment. I try for my mental health to manage day by day, hour by hour. And today, after an early wake up, a slightly fractious breakfast, a calm family walk to nursery and a non-eventful drop off, I feel grateful for where we are.
