“I really wanted to breastfeed her, I just needed to figure it out”
Putney Club member, Ali Croft, sat down with us on the very last day of her maternity leave to reflect on an emotional and joyful first year of motherhood, including the biggest challenge she faced in the early days - her struggle with breastfeeding.
Photos: Lucy Morris
Interview: Alex KohanskyCan you talk through your birth experience?
Yes, it was three weeks before my due date, so I was a little caught off guard! We were at my parents' house in Somerset when everything started. I had just finished work in London and remember feeling excited to have a few weeks to prepare for my baby girl’s arrival. We had been to a small gig that evening in Bristol and once we got home and into bed, around midnight, my waters broke. I called the hospital in London to let them know, but didn't tell them I was in Somerset because I didn't want them to tell me to stay and have the baby there!
My mum reassured me that nothing would happen too quickly and I managed to sleep for about four hours while my husband, James, downed pints of water to get ready for the drive back to London! At around 5am I started to have a feeling similar to light period pain - I knew that was the moment to jump in the shower and get going.
What was that journey like?
The drive was about 2 and a half hours and I was actually very relaxed. I think my mum helped me stay calm and my contractions were still light and not very frequent. But I did joke to James about having the baby in a service station!
What happened when you arrived at the hospital?
They assessed me and I was only one centimetre dilated so they recommended the hormone drip to speed things up. (As I was only 36 weeks pregnant, they were keen for me to give birth within 24 hours from when my waters broke, to prevent the risk of infection).
A wave of emotion hit me at that point because, although I'd always been very open-minded about how my birth would go, I now felt my choices were limited as I wanted to follow the advice of the medical team. I had liked the idea of a water birth, but that suddenly was taken away from me and you just have to go with the flow! It was all quite overwhelming as, until then, I hadn’t really processed it was actually happening - the moment I had been thinking about for the last 8 months.
I was on the hormone drip for six or seven hours, alongside a lot of gas and air and a TENS machine. I felt in control and was thinking to myself, "This is good - this is ALL good.” Then a new midwife came on duty and expressed some surprise that I was smiling and laughing and taking the contractions like a serious wonder woman. I thought, "Yes I’m bossing this!” Then she examined me and realised my ‘fore waters’ hadn’t broken yet, so not much was actually happening - the baby’s head wasn’t moving down. So they quickly broke those waters and the contractions came hard and fast - there wasn’t really a break between them and it was very intense.
At this point the decision was made to have an epidural, as we felt this would allow me to conserve enough energy for the pushing stage. James, played a really important role communicating with the team about this as I was feeling quite spaced during the discussion - everyone's voices sounded like they were whirling around me.
How was the epidural?
You know this was the one thing I was most nervous about as I have a huge phobia of needles, injections and blood! But after being in labour for 12 hours, I was keen to have it. And once they finally got me to keep still and it was done, I felt immediately back in control. The relief was instant and I managed to get a couple of hours sleep.
Then they woke me up, assessed me and we were ready to go! After about 30 minutes of pushing, my baby, Matilda, was here. What was so amazing about the epidural is that I could control the level of pain relief - so I could feel all the sensations and push and feel present, but the pain was removed. So I would say to anyone who is nervous, don’t be - it helped me with the arrival of my daughter and I would recommend it to anyone who is worried about the pain. I was up and about soon afterwards as well.
How was that moment of meeting Matilda?
It was surreal and amazing. I was in a bit of shock - suddenly WOW, she's here, on me, just like that. I couldn’t stop staring at her. It’s just mad. I clearly remember thinking, "My God women are AMAZING!” Our bodies are amazing, it’s incredible.
We stayed an additional night when she was born, which was great, and had some family come in and meet her which was very special. All of our checks were good, Matilda was absolutely fine and they were happy with her feeding. I must admit it felt like there was a lot of information to take in and it was all going over my head! I was speedily making as many notes as possible on my phone. I was lucky to head home with a really positive birth experience.
How were the first few weeks of motherhood?
Overall they were magical. We were obsessed with Matilda and the love you feel and also that you receive from friends and family is amazing - everyone shares your excitement which is just the best! You feel you’re in this bubble of love, spending such precious first moments together as your new family. But there were some hurdles to come…
Matilda was born at 6lb 2oz but, within 24 hours of being home, she’d dropped to 5lb. She also looked slightly jaundiced. The midwife who visited us said the jaundice didn’t look too bad but recommended we go to A&E because of her significant drop in weight. She was three days old and we'd only been home for one night. That was very overwhelming and I burst into tears because I felt I had been doing it all wrong. Automatically you feel a wave of guilt - this is all my fault, how have I not given her enough milk?!
We got to A&E and they told us her jaundice levels were very high and she had to go under a UV lamp for as long as needed. I burst into tears again. She was very yellow and limp by this point. Jaundice can make babies very sleepy and Matilda wasn’t reacting to much, which honestly filled me with fear.
She was under the lamp around 40 hours in total and the only time I could take her away from the lamp was to feed her. It was constant and heartbreaking - I couldn't pick her up or hold her, even if she was sad. My husband also wasn’t allowed to stay with us, so he would drive home at 9pm and come back first thing. It’s horrible being separated when you need each other.
The only thing she wore was a nappy and an eye mask to protect her eyes, so she couldn't see. The tiny little eye mask kept slipping because she was so small - so I'd basically stare at her for 24-hours a day because I was so worried it would slip and she'd damage her eyes. They would take her bloods every 6-8 hours, which was a heel prick in her foot. It was a long couple of days!
My milk still hadn't come in fully, so we were giving her formula as well as pumping breastmilk and putting her on the boob. It was round-the-clock feeding because the minute I put her down, I started pumping, to encourage the milk supply. It was just a continuous flow of feeding, feeding, feeding.
That was all a real burst of the bubble and, my goodness, the feeling of worry you have as a parent is another level!
How did things go once you were back at home?
Once we were back at home, we started to get into a rhythm again. I was pretty exhausted but still wanted to see friends and family and show off our beautiful baby! So we went down to Somerset to see my parents, then to Wales to see James’ family. Towards the end of the trip I was feeling run down - the lack of sleep, constant feeding, pumping and socialising had got to me. Then, on the way home, I started to feel shivery and a bit feverish and one of my breasts was very sore. My sister suggested I could have mastitis (breast inflammation), so I made an appointment with the GP.
I was very tired and emotional when I saw the doctor and, sadly, she was quite hostile - she had a go at me for being just 3 minutes late, and this was after my very first solo drive in the car with Matilda to get to the appointment! Then she asked me a ton of questions at a million miles an hour, which made me feel even worse. I left in a panic and felt very overwhelmed.
On reflection, I think her intense questioning was her way of trying to work out if the lumps in my breast were due to mastitis or something much more serious - but at the time I was very confused and it was unsettling. And, worst of all, she gave me out-of-date advice. She suggested I heavily massage the lumps and use a hot compress. But when I spoke to my midwife about it she said, “No no, do the opposite: cold compress and don't touch." My head was about to explode - I had two bits of information and felt like I was going mad! Also the doctor had given me antibiotics, but my trust in her was so low by this point, I wasn’t sure they were safe to take while breastfeeding.
So I messaged my Bump & Baby Club teacher, Cathy. She called me straight away and gave me instant reassurance, "Slow down, calm down, take the antibiotics. Yes, the information has changed - don’t massage.” She completely reassured me. She runs a breastfeeding drop-in clinic (separate from Bump & Baby Club) in Wandsworth. I went there and sat with her for an hour - she watched me feed and gave me so much help and advice. I saw Cathy a few times after that. She was my feeding angel because I would send her photos any time of day or night of Matilda feeding and she would come back to me quickly and reassure me I was doing it right. That was a game-changer and gave me the confidence to relax.
I think one of the hardest pressures for women when they have a baby, is the pressure to breastfeed. Lots of people kept reminding me that breast is best while I was going through this mental battle - those comments are just not helpful at the stage I was at. I was doing my best. I really wanted to breastfeed her, I just needed to figure it out, and we got there in the end. I appreciate not everyone does get there or even wants to breastfeed, but I ended up breastfeeding with a combo of formula for 8 months and loved it!
And it’s so important to look after your mental health as a new mum..
100%. I think about that a lot. I struggled, but I was okay. I didn't get too down about things. When I shared what I had been through with friends, their reactions were, "Gosh, that could send people spiralling into a very bad place." Combined with hormones and sleep deprivation, I can easily see how someone could fall into depression. I was very lucky.
The message I would love to pass onto new mothers is that if you're struggling with breastfeeding, go and see a lactation consultant or someone that can help you. But if you get to a point where your mental health is deteriorating, then I don’t think breastfeeding is worth it. As long as your baby is feeding well - either with breast milk or formula - you are doing a great job! Breastfeeding became something I absolutely adored with Matilda, but it isn’t the be-all-end-all and I always kept the last feed of the day as a bottle of formula - she was a good sleeper and I wasn’t going to mess with that(!) and my boobs were basically empty by that time anyway!
That’s great you came to a place of enjoying breastfeeding eventually…
For me, it was such a special bond and I have so many happy memories of it. Especially the nighttime feeds, when the world is asleep and it's just the two of you. The noises are so sweet. I wear a necklace that Matilda would fiddle with at every feed, from about four weeks old. I will have that forever.
Were you always relaxed about breastfeeding in public?
The first few times I had no idea what I was doing. You feel the world is staring at you and you're trying to cover yourself up while getting babe on boob, it’s a bit of a juggling act. Then I figured it out and was confident no one could see my boob - but after a while, I wasn’t too fussed if they could! You don’t need to cover yourself up with a million blankets.
I would feed her anywhere - once standing in the middle of a street, as she was having a meltdown, and once in a tube station. They sure do let you know if they’re hungry! Once I had it sussed, it gave me the confidence to leave the house and see friends. For me breastfeeding became easier than thinking about bottles on the go.
One memory from the early days is meeting up with the Bump & Baby Club girls for the first time, when Matilda was just a couple of weeks old. I was still very conscious of her weight and unsure if I was feeding her properly, so I took a bottle. So I'm sitting there with all the new mums with their babies on the boob, and I had a moment of wondering if everyone was judging me for bottle-feeding. Then, lo and behold, you share your feelings with everyone and you realise no one cares! Everyone knows you’re doing what's best for you and your baby.
Are you completely off the breast now and what was that process like?
Yes and it was quite gradual. From about six months onwards I kept dropping one feed and replacing it with a bottle. Between six and eight months, I gradually dropped right down. It was actually quite a straightforward process and I didn't really seek much advice or help for it. It seemed quite natural. I was ready and she was also still young enough not to have an attachment.
Did you have a particular reason for stopping?
I suddenly had this feeling of wanting my body back, and to try lose that last bit of baby weight before going back to work. Matilda was nearing one-year-old so the timing just felt right.
During that last 24-hours of stopping breastfeeding I suddenly scrolled through every baby photo on my phone (which is a lot!), feeling sad that she was no longer a tiny baby! I had a moment of blues, then I was over it and happy I didn’t have to think about pumping anymore. Your life comes back. I had weddings to go to and other occasions. I got my independence back… as much as you can!
How was every other aspect of new motherhood? Did you have any other issues?
No, feeding was the main struggle for me. I have absolutely loved motherhood (I say, ignoring the teething, sleepless nights, colds, coughs and soon to be tantrums!) and enjoyed it all probably more than I even expected.
You hear so many stories and comments like, ”My God the newborn phase is so difficult, don’t worry, you’ll get through it,” but so much of it is incredible and the hard times are just a phase. Time goes so fast. Everyone has their own journey and, by all means, it isn’t easy. But I think Matilda has been a relatively easy baby - by that I mean no significant problems, no colic or reflux which can make the early days even harder. She has mostly been a good sleeper, and when you've had sleep, you're a happier person.
I hope to have another baby at some point and I can't wait for the newborn phase again. They are just the sweetest, most precious thing and all you want to do is wrap them up and not let go.
Looking back on it all as I come to the end of my maternity leave, I feel so lucky to have become a mum. Even my breastfeeding journey - it was a hiccup, a hurdle - I don't have negative feelings about it. I was prepared to say goodbye to my old life, but it hasn’t felt like that - I’ve loved the last year and it’s a very strange feeling going back to work tomorrow. It’s a bit like the dream is ending and I’ve been apprehensive about how on earth I’m going to juggle work, nursery pickup, family life, all of it. I'm sure it will be hard, but it will also just be another stepping stone - and another new chapter begins!
