“All that matters is your brand new, very small, very tired family”
Seven months into fatherhood, the learnings have been coming thick and fast for Tooting Club member, Luke Hemsley. He spoke to us about his emotional ride so far - from cautious excitement during the pregnancy, to the joy, relief, pride and growing confidence that came afterwards.
Photos: Lucy Morris
Interview: Alex KohanskyHow did you feel when you first discovered you were going to be a dad?
As with most things in life, the process of finding out wasn’t quite like the movies. It had taken us almost a year to fall pregnant - something I feel strongly about sharing given the emotional rollercoaster that becomes part of your life during that time - so the overriding emotions were ones of joy, relief and hope.
We were also aware that becoming pregnant is only one step on the way to becoming a parent, there’s still a lot of road ahead of you before reaching the birth, so we tried to balance our excitement with a healthy dose of realism.
What was your mindset like during the first trimester?
We very much took the approach of being open with friends and family about the pregnancy early on. We decided that we had enough on our plates without having to concoct cover stories about why my wife, Hannah, might not be drinking or eating certain things. Central to this decision was an acknowledgement that if we did lose the baby, God forbid, we would be open with people about that too, which made us happy to quietly share the news with the caveat that it was still incredibly early.
Sharing the news with both of our families - our daughter, Ottilie, is the first grandchild on both sides - was amazing and will live with us both for a long time. The day we told my family, we had just come from a Bake Off style competition for my mum’s birthday, which I’d somehow won, so I was on top of the world that afternoon!
How was the 12-week scan?
There’s absolutely no doubt that seeing the baby on the monitor creates a maelstrom of emotions inside you. My overriding feelings were joy, cautious optimism (knowing there was still so long to go in the pregnancy) and a closeness to Hannah that this was something we had created and were bringing into the world together.
Were there any wobbles or moments of concern during the pregnancy?
There were some moments of concern which had a funny habit of appearing whenever we were nowhere near home - in the sea on holiday or in the dead of night in the middle of the countryside! These tended to be reduced baby movement, which was particularly anxiety-inducing in our experience as it makes you suddenly question what you have and haven’t experienced over the last however many hours. We made quite a few calls to the midwife team at St George’s, Tooting, and they were always brilliant in managing our concerns and talking us through things.
Something I’m fascinated by is how we would treat any future pregnancies / births / early months with our next child, if we were to have one. I’m interested in which stresses would return and we’d view legitimately, and which wouldn’t even register the second / third / fourth time around. Given what’s at stake, I would make those phone calls during pregnancy again every time, as you have so little feedback to understand what’s happening - I think it’s always worth calling.
How did you feel during the final few days and weeks leading up to your due date?
I remember a mixture of calm (Hannah had been amazing in ensuring that we had everything we might need for the hospital and the days after) and a constantly switching balance of relief and anxiety. Relief at the fact that we were approaching the point at which the baby would be classed as “term” and anxiety at the experience of birth and how this would play out for Hannah and the baby.
I think those last few weeks are incredibly tough on a mother’s body, so the role of the father is about making sure you’re providing as much support as possible, so she can go into birth feeling as calm and and as rested as possible - definitely easier said than done!
Did you feel involved in the labour and birth and what was your role?
I saw my role as very much being there for Hannah and the baby, in whatever way they needed. I wanted Hannah to feel as calm and as supported as possible.
As a birth partner, you can advocate for them and voice thoughts or concerns, but your own needs and emotions become secondary. The little things like being hungry, tired, needing the loo, etc all pale in comparison to what your partner is experiencing, so it’s best to keep a lid on it!
Can you describe the moment of birth and meeting your baby?
This is something I think about all the time and talk about on occasion (conscious of being someone who always talks about their kids!). Not knowing the baby’s sex, and having convinced ourselves that Ottilie was going to be a fair-haired boy (she’s a dark-haired girl), it was the single most memorable moment of surprise and delight I’ve ever experienced, coupled with an overriding relief that both Hannah and Ottilie were safe and healthy.
Hannah and I were discussing the other day that no matter how much you think about and conceptualise what your baby might look like, they’re surely always different. Turning back to the experience of the 12-week scan and pairing it with that of meeting your baby for the first time is irreconcilable.
And if you think about how most people hold babies when they themselves are not yet parents, imagine doing it for the first time when surrounded by a room full of experts all watching on. I remember being so conscious of how delicate both Ottilie and Hannah were in that exact moment, and just wanting to do everything to ensure that they were comfortable and calm.
What happened afterwards and how did you feel?
Calm is the word that springs to mind. It’s very rare in life that you genuinely have nowhere else to be or anything else to do. In those early moments, all that matters is your brand new, very small, very tired family. I was struck by the sense of clarity and purpose that came with that, and it helped me navigate through the fog of sleeplessness and anxiety that surrounded the birth.
How was the going-home process?
It took us a few days to get there, but once we were on our way, we were home in about three minutes as we only live around the corner!
One piece of advice shared by a friend was to limit visitors in the early days. This sounds counterintuitive as everyone is so excited to meet the baby, but it can be overwhelming, particularly when you’re still very much getting your bearings. We really kept a lid on visitors and don’t regret that for a moment as it allowed for some amazing time spent as a three.
What were the first few days and weeks like?
We both look back on them with incredible fondness. Obviously they were hard, particularly when everything is new and you don’t really have a clue what you’re doing, but we also had time. We had nowhere to be, nothing to really do other than look after Ottilie and ourselves. We were a small unit and sometimes that unit sat in bed all morning watching the outside world go by, and other times that unit spent the whole night walking up and down the stairs trying to get Ottilie to sleep.
Running my own business (Wednesday’s Domaine, the alcohol free wine brand) means that my thoughts, unfortunately, can often drift towards work, particularly on social occasions when surrounded by people eating and drinking, given the nature of what we do. It also requires me to often look at my phone or pull out my laptop at unideal moments, yet in the days after Ottilie was born, my whole focus was on her and Hannah. I remember trying to have a sense of perspective and to know that this moment wouldn’t come around again, so to be immersed in it. Unfortunately, that’s impossible to maintain and there were moments in those early days when I did have to work, but I’ve really tried to maintain a sense of presence when it comes to being around Ottilie and to divide work and parenting as much as possible.
What have been the main challenges of fatherhood?
I’ve reflected on this a lot, and there’s absolutely no doubt that the transition to becoming a parent is hard in many respects, but it’s also joyous and enriching. Since becoming a father, I’ve been struck by how negative most of the language is around being new parents. People’s first questions or comments are often variations on “are you surviving?”, “you must be knackered?”, “those early days are a slog”, etc. Whilst it is knackering, it’s also amazing and that’s something that I feel strongly about sharing.
In saying that, I recognise that we’re very fortunate to have our own home, to have family nearby and to be in a loving and committed relationship, but I think shifting perspective to focus on the positives can help navigate the early days when you’re running low on fuel.
I also recognise that I’m speaking as the father and that so many of the early demands fall on the mother, whether that’s feeding or recovery from birth. One personal challenge, as someone who defaults to action most of the time, has been to accept that and to realise that my role is to support Hannah in whatever way she needs.
What have been the most joyful moments of fatherhood so far?
It’s hard to pinpoint one particular moment, but what I can speak to is the feeling of pride in having created a family and feeling that evolution over time. Watching your baby change and develop is amazing, but noticing the change in yourselves as parents is also pretty special - the growing confidence and the belief that you can do this. It is hard, but it’s also amazing.
I really try to be present and take in the small moments, like having a cup of tea in bed as a three or seeing Ottilie notice and interact with something for the first time (she loves colourful paintings!). And I try to be careful with my phone... sometimes I’ve found myself trying to capture the perfect photo rather than engage in the moment and create the memory. That risks sounding overly high and mighty, especially given that I’ll inevitably forget that exact moment in the fog of early parenthood, but there’s something in there…
Do you feel you have changed since becoming a dad?
I’ve certainly not experienced an overriding sense of purpose that some new parents speak of, but I have noticed a shift from being a “yes” to a “no” man. In my teens and twenties, I would pride myself on being everywhere all at once, committing to multiple events and loving the social element that came with that. I’m now far better at saying “no”, doing less and being comfortable with that. It’s probably easier because it’s a discipline that I introduced when starting Wednesday’s Domaine, knowing that I needed to focus my time and energy to give it the best possible chance of success.
With that has come a sense of how I manage my emotions and wellbeing. Lots of new parents have moments where it feels like their life has become their child (and work), so I think it’s really important to get outside for a walk or some fresh air and change your surroundings, even if only briefly.
Is fatherhood how you imagined it would be?
I would actually say it’s better, for all the reasons I’ve described. There is also the joy of seeing family members in your child - some of Ottilie’s facial expressions are scarily similar to one of her grandpa’s, which is crazy to see.
I realise that having a second child is a whole different rodeo… Seeing friends have their second, I know that the moments I’m enjoying and cherishing now are harder to indulge in when you have a toddler trying to smash your house up, so I’m determined to engage in them while we have the chance!
What have been some of your biggest learnings so far?
The learnings are coming at me thick and fast, but there are a few that stand out…
Before Ottilie was born, a friend said, “Everything is a phase, both good and bad.” It’s really stuck with me and pushes me to enjoy the good parts whilst they last and to stay calm on the bad days, knowing that they will pass.
The next is that everyone is winging it, and no one has all the answers. This is honesty so important to remember. That’s not to say people haven’t done their homework or aren’t thoughtful and considered in how they approach parenthood, it’s more that most of us are just playing what’s in front of us and doing our best.
The other thing is that often the advice people give you, particularly those who last parented a newborn decades ago, is different from what they actually did!
And finally, almost nothing pans out as you planned - so plan for that and consider all eventualities. That can mean that leaving the house is like planning a military operation in the early days, but you quickly find your groove and once you do, it makes everyone’s life so much easier.
How have you managed your work around new parenthood?
Largely down to having an incredibly supportive and endlessly patient wife in Hannah! Our little family and work are undoubtedly the two main elements of my life right now, with other things like playing sport or socialising largely on the backburner.
I’m also very lucky that in running my own business, so have a flexibility that others might not. So I can be involved in bath and bed, before going back to work once Ottilie is asleep. And as I work from home, if I hear Hannah having a difficult time with Ottilie, I’ll often take Ottie for a bit to give Hannah a break. It pales in comparison to her titanic efforts daily, but it helps create some balance.
That said, there’s no doubt that without Hannah doing the lion’s share of the childcare, it would all be incredibly difficult to manage, and that’s a bridge we’ll have to cross when she returns to work later this year, but it works for now.
Do you have any tips or thoughts for expectant dads?
At a party several years ago, a family friend urged me to look around the room. In that room, there were half a dozen sets of parents in their 50s and 60s and all their kids. Most had busy lives, some had demanding jobs, yet they were all there and happily married 20+ years later. He urged me to “embrace the responsibility” and not shy away from it, acknowledging that marriages and families are hard, but ultimately the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. That really stuck with me.
