“We were so relieved and happy when she was born”
Peckham Club member, Will Whiting, talked us through his experience of becoming a father - from discovering his partner, Sacha, was pregnant, to the joys and challenges of the labour, birth and life as a new dad.
Photos: Lucy Morris
Interview: Alex KohanskyWhat was the journey to pregnancy like for you and your wife Sacha?
We both knew we wanted to have a small family. We made the decision to start trying with open expectations and things happened quickly. Sacha had travelled to Ecuador to see her family. She arrived there and was feeling really sick. Thankfully, she was there with her aunts and they had an inkling of what might be happening. She did her pregnancy test in Ecuador and that’s when we found out. Well, I was in the UK, and she called me. It was a bit strange getting the news and it made me do a lot of thinking. Maybe it was good that we were apart because my first reaction wasn’t hooray, hugs and laughter - it was more like the seriousness of it dawning on me. I could think about it on my own, then it was really nice when she came back and we could celebrate the news together.
I’m sure you’re not alone in having that feeling of responsibility! Was there anything in particular you were thinking about?
I think, to be honest, I was feeling fear of the unknown - the next nine months of pregnancy then the birth, both of which were so foreign to me. Then the unknown beyond that. We definitely also had conversations about the financial side, and the fact that we don’t have family in London. That was always a concern.
How did those feelings develop over the course of the pregnancy, and did anything help?
There were some other bumps and scares along the way which seem common to others. It became clear that we were the kind of parents who wanted lots of information. So the routine of going to the antenatal classes gave me some comfort - I was learning and preparing myself. And for Sacha the mother’s group became very important for sharing information. We also had a few book recommendations and tried to squeeze in some night time reading.
The regular classes definitely helped give that feeling of being prepared. Things like what to prepare for hospital, how to prepare for birth, what pain relief is available, so that you can build a roadmap or a plan before the day, which we followed quite closely. It was really important for us to feel calm about the situation.
Did you feel calm going into the birth?
Well, Sacha was almost going to be induced because she was nearly two weeks overdue. Her mum and her sister had come to London, and I was going to work but had cancelled all other appointments and was constantly checking my phone. It was just a bit groundhog day; when you think you’re going to be caring for your baby, but instead you’re in limbo. Thankfully she went into labour the night before we were going to be induced. When the contractions started, the main feeling was relief and happiness. We were both just really happy as Sacha was a bit against getting an induction.
We spent the night trying to get some rest as we knew from Bump & Baby Club what to look for in terms of timing and strength of contractions. In the morning we all got a taxi to the hospital - me, Sacha, her mum and her sister, it was quite surreal actually. It didn’t feel like a dash to the hospital. Things were just steadily going in the right direction. We had a TENS machine which Sacha was using and finding helpful, and at that stage I was the moral support, voice of reason and calm by her side and we had her sister and her mum there too.
How did your role change over the course of the labour and birth?
At one point, when things were feeling manageable and Sacha was comfortable, I went out for a walk. Then just 20 minutes later, when I was back in the room, things had got a lot more intense. We had been in the hospital for maybe 4 or 5 hours and Sacha had just been using the gas and air but it no longer seemed to be working. It was a step up to see the pain and discomfort kick in. Not alarming, but you’re just like, ‘okay, things are happening. We need to help her. We need to get her comfortable.’ The gas wasn’t doing it.
At that point you’re aware that moral support is just words. Sacha had done a lot of hypnobirthing training, including some breathing exercises, and she had trained me to help her with those. So we were trying to focus on the breathing and some other hypnobirthing practices. The contractions were getting more powerful and, after 2 hours of trying the gas and air, we made the decision to ask for an epidural - so we moved from the birthing suite to the labour ward.
How was it for you as a partner watching her have an epidural?
That was really hard actually. I’m quite queasy when it comes to needles and you’re watching the needle go into such a sensitive place. Also my sister had had an epidural which didn’t work, so that was on our minds, that pain relief is not a guarantee. We had a trainee administer the epidural and they took a couple of attempts which was tough to watch. But thankfully the epidural took hold and Sacha was much more comfortable.
The contractions did slow down then, but no one seemed too worried. Sacha needed the rest, and I rested in the chair next to her. Now that the pain was being dealt with, I felt like things were okay and everything was well. We had a room that was looking over the river and it was actually quite a reflective moment in the middle of everything. Everything was quiet and I was just looking out along the river and thinking about the next bit. It was quite a funny chilled out moment amongst the chaos.
I can imagine - what a view. And at such a pivotal moment!
Yes, everyone got their rest, and then all of a sudden the nurses came in and said, “You’re fully dilated, and now we’re at the final stage.” It went from the calm, the quiet, the dozing, to serious pushing and obviously becoming more intense and uncomfortable for Sacha.
I was next to Sacha, just sitting alongside her, but then the nurses were really encouraging us to see our baby, Amal, as soon as we could. So I did that and it was amazing! It was just overwhelming to see the person you’re been spending the last 9 months thinking about meeting. There's something quite emotional about someone coming into the world and not knowing anything and being so helpless and in need of a mum. And I think the most beautiful moment was when she was handed over to Sacha, and seeing the relief on her face plus the love.
Wow! I have found that some people experience love at first sight while others don’t experience that straight away…
I think for us it was more that love at first sight feeling. I guess we’d gone through some adjustments to having a baby - she was kicking a lot at the end of pregnancy and we were reading to her and she really responded to music - so when she arrived, it was really that feeling of meeting someone you’ve been waiting for.
We were so relieved and happy when she was born, and this is what so much of our energy and attention had been focussed on. We were less focussed on the challenges that were to come.
What were those challenges for you guys?
For us it was feeding challenges. In those first few weeks it really does feel like a 24-hour job. In hindsight, that was almost the hardest thing. You’re starting this really hard new task of looking after a baby and you’re starting from a point of being exhausted.
There’s not so much of a role for a dad when mum is breastfeeding, but I took over responsibilities in terms of the house, the cooking, the cleaning, just doing everything else to make sure that our lives were still running and there was still food on the table. I went back to work quite quickly, but I was lucky, as even though I was going in every day, I was still able to play a part in the day. I’d be home at 4pm which meant I could spend time with Sacha and Amal and help out.
Sleep deprivation was tough with going back to work. Sacha was breastfeeding - including night feeds - and we were all in the same room. Sacha was understanding and, if I was struggling with sleep, I had a some earbuds that I put in and I just tried to sleep through some of the night wakes. I was managing though because one of the perks of working at a coffee roastery is that there’s no shortage of caffeine!
And now you have your own coffee business. How did you manage that with a newborn?
When Sacha had had 6 months of maternity leave, we began to think about what the next phase of our life would be like. We wanted to travel to see family, do a bit of an extended trip, and I wanted some paternity leave to have time to take care of Amal. I was working at Monmouth Coffee and I’d already had ideas of a small business, so I finished with them, did some travelling, and when I came back I was taking care of Amal and slowly growing my business, Calm Coffee Roastery.
The idea came from Sacha’s pregnancy and breastfeeding. She was being mindful of her coffee intake, and we were drinking decaf coffees together to try to not over caffeinate. It was something I was interested in as well at work, not over-caffeinating myself, mainly to improve my sleep. Through the pregnancy the idea just grew. And since we had a lot of friends going through the same thing, I was giving low-caf and decaf coffees to friends. It was sort of like a testing ground.
Was part of the reason to launch a business to fit fatherhood around your working life?
Yes, for sure. I guess the thought of having your own business is that it gives you flexibility time-wise and you can prioritise the family when you need to and shift your work around it. I have found that to be the case, which has been really good. The flip side to that is your ability to switch off reduces. I do miss being able to go home from work on Friday and not think about work until Monday. As a one-person small business there are always things on your mind. But overall I think the positives outweigh the negatives.
I’m really happy that I took the time to do some of the childcare when Amal was 8-12 months old as it also gave Sacha a chance to be more of an independent mum, once she’d stopped breastfeeding. And it means Amal and I have our own fun together. We go to Gymboree. More recently she’s been taking her first steps and is experimenting with words and getting better at telling us what she wants and what she’s thinking. We have a big scrambled egg breakfast on Saturday morning and that’s become a fun routine.
And how have you been finding your way as a father?
I think at the beginning you fall back on what you’re familiar with, and what happened in your family. To me, fatherhood was always something that was less of an academic thing to be studied and worried and overthought, and more something that’s just about taking care of someone you love.
The biggest change is that your time becomes more of a scarce resource. It's that big life shift which is tough sometimes, but the enjoyment and the fun has exceeded my expectations. You’re watching someone small grow and develop and laugh, and you realise that that has become the fun and the hobby of your life.
Do you have any words of advice for new fathers or fathers-to-be?
In practical terms, clear your plate, because your life’s going to be all about mum and baby now. Remove everything from your diary for the next six months and fill the freezer with frozen meals!
In terms of fatherhood, you learn as you experience it. You realise what it's about as you go. And I hope it’s nice for people to know that, as tough as it is, the challenging moments are balanced by a lot of fun and joy. And I think that bit grows as they get older.
