"My OCD had hijacked my thoughts"
Roughly 1 in 4 women struggle with their mental health at some point during pregnancy or new motherhood. Our Tooting Club member, Tanveer Dhanoya, experienced this first-hand and now, on her path to recovery, has created a local support group to help and connect with others who are struggling. Here she writes candidly about her months of spiralling mental health and journey to heal.
Photos: Lucy Morris
Words: Tanveer Dhanoya
I wanted to write this post about my experience of suffering with a mental health condition during pregnancy and the postnatal period so that other mums know that they aren’t alone. I am an Obstetrics and Gynaecology doctor and I see women throughout pregnancy and labour who suffer with mental health conditions, but, until I experienced it myself, I didn’t appreciate how easily it can come about. It now seems obvious that such a life-changing experience can lead to a wobble in our emotional and psychological health. Women should know that it’s common, there are loads of resources out there for help, and it all gets easier! Mental illness during pregnancy and after the birth of a baby affects 27% of women. That means that just over 1 in 4 of us will struggle with our mental health in the lead up to or after having our babies.
It is no surprise really that going from an independent woman with a fast-paced career and social life, to being pregnant, and then to staying at home with a newborn was going to be a shock. But I’ll be honest, I had not anticipated the changes I would go through and how it would affect me psychologically. Everyone I had spoken to talked about sleepless nights and the struggles of breastfeeding. Although that is a part of the picture, I think it is important for women to appreciate that having a baby not only changes your lifestyle forever, but it also changes your brain forever. During pregnancy a number of our hormones increase by 200-300 times. Understanding all of this has helped me to recognise what I went through as a part of my journey to having a baby.
My story starts with my history of OCD, which is a condition where the sufferer experiences obsessions (unwanted and unpleasant thoughts/images which repeatedly come into your mind and cause anxiety and unease) and carries out compulsions (repetitive behaviour or mental acts done to temporarily relieve the anxiety brought about by the obsession). I was managing pregnancy well until a growth scan revealed that my baby was small. This is not an uncommon finding, the doctors were very reassuring and the team made a plan with me for follow up and delivery. However, I unfortunately became obsessed with the causes of having a small baby and over any actions I had taken during pregnancy that might have led to this. I poured over literature in medical journals to “check” if I had caused harm to my baby. Looking back, I can see that this fear was hugely exaggerated as, like most women, I was sensible during pregnancy. At the time though, I was overwhelmed with the need for reassurance and so I read newspaper articles, I asked friends and I asked doctors. Thoughts about harm I had caused my baby went round and round in my head and the constant searching for answers made me quite unhappy in the last few weeks of my pregnancy.
After delivery, things unfortunately became more difficult. The postnatal period, with its sleep deprivation, new responsibility and changes in your relationship, is the perfect storm for a mental health crisis. In retrospect, I can see how unwell I became, but at the time I still could not see the wood for the trees. If something triggered a fear for me, I would spiral into days of obsession and compulsion. My husband had to pick up a lot of the slack with housework and childcare, as well as his day job. It was a tough time for us both.
I am lucky that my daughter has been well to date, but my brain was playing horrible tricks on me. My OCD had hijacked my thoughts and I could not enjoy parenthood. My therapist recently said to me that OCD will cling to the possibility of something occurring, rather than the probability. This meant that I was living in perpetual fear and it went on for 4 months. I started to crack under the strain of the anxiety and my mood plummeted.
Eventually I saw my GP again, and I can honestly say she saved me. She was matter-of-fact and kind and started me on medication at once. At that point I was willing to do anything to feel better. I also started online therapy. In combination, I have started to heal. I now enjoy my time with my daughter; her giggles and smiles, watching her explore the world, and learn new skills fills my heart with joy.
I am eternally grateful to the NHS for all of the resources I have been able to access; the perinatal mental health team, obstetric care, and my GP. We are blessed in this country. I am also so grateful for having the friends I made at Bump & Baby Club, they are local and going through all the parental firsts with me – I consider them my really good friends and we do a lot of fun stuff together. The whatsapp group is a lifesaver! However, during this difficult time, I wished I had had a network of parents who understood the struggle of being a new parent as well as having mental health issues. All parents find things hard sometimes, but there is an additional strain if you suffer from mental health issues. To that end, I went in search of a support group of people who were parenting and managing their mental health. There is a charity called PND Awareness and Support (PANDAS) and they offer support via various modes of communication, and support groups. I could not find a local group and so I applied to the charity to start one. We now meet every 1st and 3rd Friday of the month in Tooting library. The idea is to meet fellow parents who “get it." I hope to develop a network of people to share ideas with, discuss highs and lows, and ensure that local parents struggling with their mental health do not feel abnormal or alone.
Parenthood is hard, no matter how privileged you are, and mental health struggles can affect anyone, from any walk of life. Do not struggle in silence.
