"We are part of the same team”
Cambridge Club member, Chris Atkin, unpicks how the early months of parenthood affected his relationship with his wife, Sarah, and how they’ve learnt to manage the stressors and cherish their time together.
Photos: Alice Chapman
Words: Chris Atkin
I was convinced we’d avoid the discord you sometimes see between new parents. The terse words, the passive aggressive tone of voice - this might be the fate of other couples, yet I was sure it didn’t lie in store for us.
But I’d failed to appreciate the strain a newborn baby can have on a relationship. Too often this aspect is hidden from view in the months surrounding their arrival. People want to talk about the joy and excitement of the adorable addition to their family, so it’s easy to (intentionally or otherwise) gloss over the less thrilling parts and the sheer lack of sleep.
My wife and I rarely used to argue, but once Zoe arrived, Sarah and I began to bicker about the kind of inconsequential things we could never have imagined before the birth. The sleep deprivation made us clumsy, absentminded and tetchy. Vases were accidentally smashed, taps were left running and conversations about upcoming plans almost instantly forgotten. And at the end of each day we’d go to bed not knowing how much rest either of us would get.
You’d have thought the nine months running up to the birth would have given us a better understanding of what lay ahead. My book, Fertilisation To Fatherhood, is a humorous and informative pregnancy diary that chronicles the nine months running up to Zoe’s birth. In it I express my scepticism that I will feel the same as some new parents, who consider the first year of their baby’s life to be the best of their lives. Seven months in, it’s still too early to say, but at this rate I’d say it’s unlikely. Unquestionably though, it has been the fastest and most rewarding seven months of my life.
There have been a few low moments. For us, the worst have tended to occur when we’re driving. When Zoe decides she wants out of the car seat, her tears and screams of frustration make conversation impossible and our collective stress levels go through the roof. In such circumstances, Zoe can’t be placated without pulling over. Doing so provides some peace - until the journey resumes. By which point neither Sarah nor I have anything to say to each other.
During the first few months I didn’t have many places to vent about such occasions. My closest friends either didn’t have children or were in the early stages of pregnancy when Zoe was born. For this reason, it was hugely beneficial to have the friends I made through Bump & Baby Club. Being able to go for a drink and share stories with other dads was not only helpful, it was also cathartic!
When I asked Sarah what frustrations she harboured about me during the first few months of Zoe’s life, she reeled off, without too much thought, my failure to come and assist promptly with Zoe at the end of the working day, my perceived delayed reaction if Zoe started to cry, and my unwillingness to sufficiently adapt my life to meet Zoe’s changing needs.
I use the past tense here to refer to these frustrations, not to suggest these issues have been put to bed, but because we have since made a concerted effort to improve. We now try to remember:
We are part of the same team. Before Zoe was born, we felt like we could take on the world together. It’s embarrassing to admit that a few sleepless nights and a couple of misunderstandings were enough to drive a temporary wedge between us.
To be kind to each other and spend time, when possible, doing nice things as a family. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of always taking it in turns to look after the baby while the other partner runs around the house completing chores.
To exchange kisses. Since Zoe’s arrival Sarah has received fewer kisses from me as they’ve gone to Zoe instead. This is perhaps to be expected given Zoe’s irresistible chubby cheeks. Still, it’s clear I’d be a terrible bigamist.
I have been asked whether having a baby has brought Sarah and I closer but, the truth is, we were already very close. This experience has merely confirmed the many positive things about Sarah I knew to be true. At this stage, we can only imagine how our lives will change again if/when we have another baby. For now, we try to make the most of Zoe’s joyous company during the day, while also cherishing the time Sarah and I have together in the evenings when she’s asleep.
