“I am aware of how fleeting it all is”
Bump & Baby Club writer, Lottie Lewis, reflects on the fourth trimester with her second baby, Toby, and how it compares to the early months with her firstborn, Bonnie.
Words and photos: Lottie LewisMy first thought when reflecting on the fourth trimester with Toby? I don’t know where the time has gone. The first three months with my daughter, Bonnie, honestly and sadly dragged. She was fussy and I was exhausted. She needed me and I resisted. I hated being stuck on the sofa cluster feeding and waking up throughout the night. I constantly worried about her health and questioned my ability to mother. I loved her dearly but my first child, my gorgeous Aries daughter, was a force of nature (still is!). In comparison my sweet Gemini boy is a breeze, or maybe I’m just softer? The first three months of Toby’s existence have flown by in a whirlwind of keeping up with Bonnie, healing from birth and treasured cuddles as Toby transformed from a newborn to a baby in what has felt like the blink of an eye. Chunky thighs and thick ginger hair, our gentle giant is a quiet and happy soul, slotting into the family seamlessly amongst the chaos that is our lives.
This time around I don’t hate the sleepless nights, they’re nothing new anyway. Breastfeeding feels like a blessing, lulling him with no thought of when I’ll stop feeding to sleep. Instead of rushing to get back to normal life we have taken this season slowly, planning our days around Toby’s naps, playing in the garden with Bonnie whilst he sleeps in the middle of our bed or in the sling or in my arms.
It didn’t take long for Toby’s face to start lighting up when he heard Bonnie each morning. Huge smiles for his sister when she sang or cuddled him, yesterday Bonnie told me she can’t wait to splash in muddy puddles with him when he starts to walk. And Bonnie is taking her new role as big sister very seriously, running upstairs when she hears him crying to be the first to cuddle and kiss her baby brother, or shushing Toby in the car when he fusses. It turns out if you sing You Are My Sunshine every single day to a child for two years, they will learn the words! I often find the two of them curled up in bed, Bonnie quietly crooning, “you’ll never know dear, how much I love you”…
The midwives always say that the first 12 weeks are the hardest. We didn’t find this to be the case with Toby, he’s a textbook “easy baby”, but in hindsight it was true for our big girl Bon. When Toby arrived, whilst she was full of love and affection for her brother, she immediately dropped her nap and developed a stammer, interrupting her huge vocabulary and chatty nature. It was as if Toby has brought with him a double dose of the terrible twos, and the tantrums came thick and fast. But as the weeks passed and the excitement settled and Toby’s presence in our lives became the norm, Bonnie relaxed into her new life as a big sister. The tantrums faded and her love for Toby grew. Now that we’re past the fourth trimester, it’s as if the hard part is over for her, too.
When looking back, an experience often appears rose-tinted, but I have found my second experience of the fourth trimester truly joyful. I am well aware of how short this time is, and whilst I wished it away the first time, I have now surrendered to it. Of course, it came with its challenges, as any huge life upheaval does: for the first four months of Toby’s life I was taking care of our baby and toddler full time, and I wouldn’t have coped without the help of my wonderful family, close girlfriends and hands-on partner, Charlie. It was an intense baptism of fire, learning how to juggle the very different needs of two young children, but we slowly but surely found our rhythm, and now, whilst I still never feel in control, I feel complete.
Some days felt chaotic. With Charlie back at work, there would be moments when all three of us were crying. I would lose my patience with Bon or pack all the kids into the car and drive to my mums in desperate need of refuge and respite. At first I was overwhelmed and had no idea how I’d remember to cook for Bonnie and myself, and also change Toby’s nappies and keep track of naps and make sure everyone was happy. With the help of our amazing community we slowly but surely settled into our new normal, and before the fourth trimester was out it already felt like Toby had always been a part of our family. Being a first time mum felt intense. Being a second time mum feels soft. I am so fully immersed in this season of my life that it feels richer rather than heavier. Is it true for everyone that your second child makes you realise how easy the baby stage is - or is that only the case for parent’s with wild first borns? Whichever the answer, I am soaking in the simple bliss of our squashy son, relishing the sling walks and the midnight cuddles, carting him around over my shoulder whilst we chase his sister along breezy beaches and feeding on quiet quaysides in the late afternoon sun.
In summation, I enjoyed the fourth trimester so much more the second time around. Once I would have been eager for the next milestone, wishing the time away until they could sit or crawl or just need me a little bit less. But this time I am aware of how fleeting it all is. I know sleep returns and my boobs get a break and my arms won’t carry this roly-poly boy forever. So I constantly try to remind myself, when I’m feeling touched out and tired, that I will miss these moments so deeply when my babies are big.
