‘Motherhood somehow seems to glue people together’
Earlsfield Club member, Sam Dainty, not only formed a tight bond with her antenatal group, she also found a best friend and business partner too…
Photos: Lucy MorrisI remember, vividly, getting ready to head to our first Bump & Baby Club class on a warm June evening and my husband, Sean, who has a far more extensive wardrobe than I do, asked me what I thought he should wear to make the appropriate first impression.
Having thought very little about what I’d wear given my options were limited to three maternity dresses from H&M or black leggings, I shrugged indifferently.
“I think I’ll wear a golf shirt, then other parents will know I’m a golfer and maybe I’ll be able to bond with some of them.”
It seemed that Sarah’s husband, James, had the same thought as he also arrived in golf attire, and, like some meet-cute in Hollywood’s latest bromance movie, their eyes met across the upstairs function room at The County Arms in Wandsworth, and an instant bond was formed. After casually grabbing a custard creme, Sean made a beeline for James and Sarah and I exchanged a knowing glance.
Many golf dates, BBQs, pub dates, a trip to Sarah and James’ native South Africa, and a holiday to Portugal later, our friendship has blossomed (excuse the rather cliché floral metaphor) as has the bond between our babies, Flynn and Ben, who simply adore one another. And now Sarah and I have even launched a business together.
Although I may have predicted that Sean would find a good golf buddy from our antenatal classes (he’s Canadian and makes friends wherever he goes), I certainly couldn’t have foreseen that I would find not only an incredible business partner in Sarah, but also a special friend in Sarah, and I feel very grateful to Bump & Baby Club for bringing us together.
Our group as a whole has been great. We continued to meet weekly after the classes had ended in the local church cafe, where we all complained about the various new symptoms of the third trimester. But it was only once the babies had arrived that I began to realise how important these new friendships would be.
We have a WhatsApp group – which is still called Mums-To-Be (we need to update it!) and it was so exciting to see new babies arrive. I went a bit mad with the nesting phase, batch-cooking meals, and I was able to drop some off for the others who had just given birth. Hearing their advice was invaluable and really helped me get into a positive mindset for Flynn’s arrival.
From right to left: Sam, Sean (with baby Flynn), James (with baby Ben) and Sarah
In terms of our births, Sarah and I ended up with completely opposite experiences to what we had planned. I had planned to give birth in the birth centre, but due to reduced movement, I had to have a category 3 emergency c-section two weeks early. Meanwhile, Sarah had a planned c-section but went into labour and was too far along when she arrived at the hospital, also two weeks before her due date. Both babies were clearly impatient to meet us! We still joke that Sean was actually on the golf course when I went into the hospital, but thankfully he made it back in time – I don’t think he would have lived it down otherwise. I will never forget the noise he made when Flynn was lifted above the curtain – a sigh of complete wonder and relief.
Listening to the other birth stories from our group members was a mix of emotions for me. Initially, I felt sad that I hadn't been able to give “natural” birth a go. Even though during our Bump & Baby classes, the midwife had validated all forms of birth, I felt this internal struggle with feeling like I hadn’t truly “given birth.” I often joked that Flynn “came out of the sunroof,” but deep down, it stung a little. Even though the experience was really positive – we could have a playlist in theatre and Flynn was actually born to the song ‘Red’ by Jaguar Sun which was on our wedding video – it took a while to make peace with it; I had been so ready to experience childbirth the natural way, confident in my body’s ability to do so. But when Flynn stopped moving, I didn’t get the chance.
It was Sarah who helped me realise that I had been romanticising a "natural birth," and that perspective helped me come to terms with my own experience. On the flip side, there were other mums in the group who had c-sections planned, and I found myself in a position to talk them through the experience, suggesting ways they could advocate for themselves in the theatre, so that was another unexpected positive.
Once the heatwave had passed, I recovered much faster than I had anticipated from the c-section and was able to join the meet-ups. The group meet-ups definitely gave structure and a reason to get out of the house, which was very needed in those early days. It was so surreal seeing everyone again, this time with their babies in tow. We joked about having a referral code for baby items and specialists as we all ended up using the same lactation consultant and ordering the same things online. I think we all have a star wrap from Tuppence and Crumble – definitely a great new baby gift.
The early days of motherhood for me were a mix of emotions, but I was very lucky in those first few weeks as I didn't experience the surge of hormones that I had anticipated. However, sleep deprivation has been the hardest part of motherhood for me. It was helpful to talk to other mums and understand their sleeping arrangements. For example, when Sean went back to work, we decided he would sleep in the spare room for a bit while I did the nights alone, and he would take Flynn in the morning. Initially, he felt guilty about this, but in the end, he realised that it was normal and totally okay. We all joked about the middle-of-the-night Amazon orders placed when up feeding – who said breastfeeding was free?
I’ve always been an open book (I think it’s the northerner in me), but I was surprised at how candidly everyone shared their experiences, which was incredibly helpful. Motherhood somehow seems to glue people together, making it easier to open up. I’ve been writing poetry for Flynn and the other mums in the group have been so kind and willing to listen to what I’ve written which has been very special indeed.
At the start, it was helpful to have someone to call or message to ask “is it normal?” (let’s hope no one scrolls through our WhatsApp media files which contain far too many poo photos!). However, as our babies have grown older and started to be on the move, it has been helpful to be in and out of each other’s houses, allowing the babies to play on the mat together and explore a different set of toys.
There have been so many standout moments - trips to the zoo, soft play dates, picnics in the park, Christmas parties, and pub dates. It’s all just been brilliant, and I feel so fortunate to have this incredible group of women (and their families) by my side. I’ve suggested a villa in Tuscany for the whole group at some point in the future – and I am determined to make this happen!
For Sarah and I, it’s not just golf dates and Lovevery subscriptions that have cemented our friendship.
Before maternity leave, Sarah and I were both teachers from the independent sector, and, in between discussions of cracked nipples and wake windows, we were both able to support each other in our respective decisions not to go back to full-time work. Instead, we found ourselves seeing an opportunity. So many of our other Bump and Baby friends were turning to us for schooling advice and were feeling overwhelmed not only by the multiple choices - state or private? single sex or co-ed? London or Home Counties? – but also by how soon those decisions needed to be made.
And so Bespoke Minds Education was born – a business that might not exist if it wasn’t for Bump & Baby club.
With Alex (another mother from Earlsfield) to complete our triumvirate, we have become an educational consultancy aiming to help parents navigate the complexities of the UK education system.
Importantly, Bespoke Minds allows us much more flexibility and fits better with our husbands’ work schedules. Both Sean and James travel internationally for work and they, too, have been able to navigate together the challenges of leaving a young family behind whilst also managing high-pressure roles. They had to figure out how to support us as the default parents, ensuring that they were present during the precious time they had at home and not distracted by work emails and calls. This balancing act has been a significant part of their journey as dads, striving to be involved and attentive despite the demands of their careers.
The other element of our camaraderie has been the fact that none of us have family nearby – Sean’s family are mostly in Canada and the US, whilst Sarah and James have family in South Africa and Australia, and my family are up North. As ex-pats without the traditional family support nearby, we have often reflected on how children in other cultures are raised in multi-generational homes, surrounded by extended family members who contribute to their upbringing. In contrast, our situation has brought us closer together, embodying the phrase “it takes a village.” We have become each other's village, supporting one another through the ups and downs of parenthood and life abroad.
There’s an Irish Proverb that states, “It is in the shelter of each other that the people live”. To me, this is such a beautiful image as it highlights to me the power of companionship, something I feel is essential in the wild journey of becoming a parent.
Sam (with Flynn) and some of her poetry
