“You are enough”

Before having her two sons, Balham Club member Chez Taylor, suffered a miscarriage that rocked her world. She sat down with us to talk about how her loss shaped her early years of motherhood, her ‘amazing’ caesarean births and, now pregnant again, her expectations for life as a mum of three.

Photos: Lucy Morris
Interview: Alex Kohansky

Chez with 3-year-old Vinny (middle) and 1-year old Sully (right)

How similar or different were the pregnancies and births of your two boys?

Both of my pregnancies and births were very similar to each other, which was quite strange! I had a c-section both times and even the same surgeon. The boys have turned out to be very alike in all sorts of ways - looks and personality - so perhaps it isn’t surprising!

However, a big difference between the two pregnancies was how much more nervous I was with my first baby. I had previously experienced a miscarriage, when I was about 8 weeks along, and it had taken a while to get pregnant again. It was all very emotional and I was worried about having another loss. Then Covid hit and we were told pregnant women were vulnerable, which didn’t help at all.

With my second son, I was much more relaxed as I knew my body could do it. And I was lucky to get pregnant quickly that time, which filled me with extra confidence.

Did you have any methods of keeping yourself relaxed when you were worrying about your pregnancy?

I took huge comfort in the ‘rainbow baby’ stories on YouTube - women talking about their experiences of having a baby after loss. Listening to people who’d been through devastating losses and learning how they got through it, gave me the confidence to believe I could get through it too. That was a huge part of my healing and I have since shared my own stories on YouTube to try and help others.

The other thing that really helped was talking about my miscarriage. I told everyone who would listen about how I felt about it and how sad I was. It still comes up in conversation - I will quite quickly say ‘we had a miscarriage before our first’ because it was a big part of our journey and who I am now. It is also part of how I mother. It sounds strange, but I feel like I love my babies even more than I would have, because I know how precious they are and how desperately they were wanted.

The scars haven’t fully healed, even now. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant and at that weird limbo point where I don’t have morning sickness anymore, I’m too early to feel any kicks, and there’s no scan for several weeks - I just have to sort of presume everything’s ok and there’s that niggling thought in the back of my mind that tells me I shouldn’t relax.

Can you tell me a bit about your births?

My first baby was breech, but we didn’t find that out until I was around 37 weeks pregnant. Before then I had been told that baby’s head was down and he was starting to engage - but I had an itch to get an extra scan (privately), which is where we found out. We tried to turn the baby, but he was very settled where he was, so a c-section was planned.

Once I got my head into the idea of a c-section, I felt very positive about it and the actual birth was amazing. It was all very civilised - we packed our bags as if we were going on holiday and in we went. Everyone was very calm and it felt safe and reassuring. The experience was so positive, I didn’t hesitate in planning the same for my second baby, and that was amazing too.

What was it like meeting Vinny for the first time?

You are supposed to have that moment of glory - I didn’t have that. I was looking at his little face and he was starting right back at me, it was quite intense. He definitely knew who I was. I remember the warmth of him on my chest and sort of saying, ‘welcome to the world buddy’.

Although I didn’t have the euphoria, I was definitely 100 percent focused on him. My partner was taking photos and the doctor was stitching me up - but I don’t remember any of that - I was just fixated on this little person. It was very surreal and I felt like I was living someone else’s life for a moment. Then it gradually dawned on me that he was my child and the love just grew and grew from there.

When I gave birth to Sully, my second, he came out completely covered in vernix (the white substance that covers your baby's skin while in the womb). They put him on my chest and I was a bit like, ‘ewww!’ - his eyes were stuck shut and he was so slimy! It’s funny isn’t it, you’re supposed to have this beautiful euphoric moment and I didn’t get that with either of my two, but god help me I adore them. My whole life is centred around these two boys and I couldn’t imagine anything other than that. And I felt that way within an hour of meeting them. But I think it’s important for people to know that there isn’t always that initial big rush of love.

And it was very strange leaving the hospital with my first baby. I very clearly remember being surprised that I was just allowed to walk out with my baby on my own and thinking, ‘should I not sign something? Are you just letting me leave?! How can I leave, I don’t know what I’m doing!!’

'Welcome to the world buddy' - Baby Vinny is born

How was your recovery after each birth?

The recovery was fine for me both times. At first I felt like I’d been hit by a brick wall, but by the third day I was able to shuffle my way to my local cafe and back again. Within a week I felt like myself and within two weeks I was frustrated that I couldn’t drive and lift things and live my normal life. The second time around, my recovery felt even quicker.

How did the early newborn phase differ with each baby?

Because of Covid I was extra protective of Vinny and actually spent the first 4 months only ever sleeping on my right hand side so I could face him! Eventually I would sleep on my back, so I could still turn my head towards him if needed, but I wouldn’t sleep with my whole body turned away from him for ages. I didn’t have any of that with Sully - I was much more relaxed.

And with Vinny, I felt like I should be the one to get up in the night if he needed something, rather than sharing that with my partner. I was like, ‘No this is my duty! I have given birth and I will be the one to get up all through the night!’ But the second time around I realised that was not sustainable at all and it was ridiculous to try and do it all on my own. The better rested we are as a unit, the better army we are to face this.

Have there been any particularly magical moments with Vinny and Sully together?

There are beautiful moments pretty much everyday, but there are a lot of moments that are very intense and hard. There are days where you feel like a really shitty mum. You’ve done all of the ‘nos’ - the shouting, the walking out the room and leaving them for a sec because you can’t cope. You’ve done feeding them whatever they’ll eat rather than the thing that you’ve cooked them. You’ve got the iPad out to save yourself. You’ve done all the things you’re not supposed to do, just to get through that day and you’re still on your knees. Then they’ll be a moment of beauty.

I have a photo of my boys laughing hysterically on the swings - they aren’t just laughing because the swings are fun, they’re laughing because they’re together and because the other one is laughing. It is one of my favourite photos because it was an extremely difficult day and that was a fleeting moment of magic that could easily have been forgotten.

One of my friends who has two children said to me, ’D’you know what Chez, some days you’ll just keep them safe, and that’ll be all you’ve done with your day. That’s it. And that’s a tick - you’ve been a great mum.’ You don’t have to get out and do amazing things, create amazing games, or be fun-mum the whole time. Some days they’re just safe and fed and that’s all you need to do that day. And again the next day.

Do you have any thoughts on what life will be like as a mum of 3?

I am hoping I will be more laid back. We are routine people and we work hard to make sure the boys eat properly and don’t have too much screen time and I’m wondering if that’s going to be sustainable with the third.

A friend of mine sent me a meme recently, which said something like: ‘We don’t hang out with parents of 2 anymore, we want parents of 3 or more. You know why? Because they don’t give a fuck!’ Second-time parents make sure their kids are occupied, entertained and wearing the correct number of layers to keep perfectly warm. Third time parents just know their kids are in the room somewhere! That may well be us.

Do you manage to make time for self-care?

Yes and my big one is fitness, for both mental health and vanity reasons! I used to be in a glamorous career and now I’m in tracksuit bottoms all the time and makeup is a thing of the past. I get lots of endorphins from exercise, so I’m quite firm about making time for it and that’s my self care. It is an easy one as I can leave the house to do it and there’s something so justifiable about exercise… people think ‘Ooh yes that’s a very valuable use of time.’ Whereas if your self care is a cup of tea and a book, it’s trickier because you have to get your family out of the house to do it properly, or find a space to be alone. But it’s so important to award yourself that space! I follow the psychotherapist, Anna Mathur, and that’s one of her biggest messages. She says, ‘If you never allow yourself space or rest, what are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them that when they’re older, they’re never allowed space or rest? Is that what you want them to learn?’ It is a really valid point.

How has your career as a Saxophonist changed since becoming a mum?

My career is something I’ve built since the age of 6 when I decided that I loved music - and it grew into a huge identity thing and part of my personality. It had to take a big sideline when I became a mum and it hasn’t really come back in the same way. At the height of my career I would pop over to Dubai and play for one night and then nip back again. Now I’m very London-based and I do a lot of solo sax stuff. So I don’t work with cool artists and funky people as much anymore because it’s just not as economical with my time.

Every mother goes through a transformation, but mine was quite radical, especially as Covid put a sudden stop to my career as well. It was an overnight identity change and not something I could slowly get my head around. It took me a good year or two to make my peace with that and realise that I’m a person without that mask and the ‘saxophone glamour’ thing - I am still Chez and I’m still very likeable and I’m a great mother.

It will be interesting to see how it bounces back the third time around and I’m curious to know how much I really want it. Whether this is something that I feel like I need because ‘it’s part of who I am and I don’t know who I am without it’, or if it’s something that gives me great pleasure because it’s my skill that I’ve spent many many years honing.

What advice would you give for first time mums-to-be?

You are enough. You don’t need to be splendid everyday, or at all. Your babies think you’re beautiful whatever you do. Stay true to yourself and realise that you are the perfect mother for your child.

Also, social media is both your friend and your foe so be careful what you absorb. There are a few parenting accounts I follow and someone will say something that really resonates with me and that will change how I feel about my day for the better. But you have to be careful about comparison and keep reminding yourself that you are just seeing snippets of people’s lives.

The other thing is: you definitely need your friggin’ army! You really do. You need to be around other mums with babies similar ages to yours because it can be so overwhelming, especially during the newborn phase. Everyone kind of knows that but I feel like I can’t shout it loud enough.