“The Perinatal Mental Health team helped save me”
With Postnatal Depression affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth, we are so grateful to Nikki for sharing her story and highlighting the power of reaching out for support.
Words: Lottie Lewis
Photos: Sam SherringI first met Nikki at my daughter’s 5-day check up with the midwife. Nikki and my mum know each other from rowing, and mum had told me we were due at a similar time, mentioning she thought we would get on. With the same due date and both being nearly two weeks overdue, Phoebe and my daughter Bonnie were born on the same day, in the same hospital, within a few hours of each other. Exchanging numbers, we chatted a bit on Whatsapp, sharing trials, tribulations and joyous moments of motherhood, bumping into each other at community baby groups and heading out for the odd buggy walk along the estuary in Padstow. To me, Nikki always appeared to be smashing motherhood. Her house was immaculate. Phoebe was healthy and happy. Both mother and baby were always well presented, whereas Bonnie and I spent many days in grubby pyjamas, me with unwashed hair, Bon missing a sock. At baby groups Nikki was chatty, confident and looked at ease feeding and caring for Pheebs.
A year on, I put out an open call to mothers in my network for blog topics they would find useful or interesting. Nikki got in touch, asking if I’d be willing to explore an article about postnatal depression. I replied saying I would be really interested, but as I didn’t know much about the subject I was unsure of how to go about it. When Nikki responded saying she’d be willing to give her first-hand account I was really surprised, and also felt ashamed I’d never noticed or tried to help. How could this woman who always appeared so put together, relaxed and busy be battling something so debilitating?
Postnatal depression is more common than we think, with more than 1 in every 10 women experiencing it within a year of giving birth. It isn’t always easy to spot and in some circumstances, if left untreated, it can be very serious.
With Nikki’s trust in my hands, we met up for a play date with the girls. Now almost two, Bonnie and Phoebe spent the January morning running around, feeding the ducks and sharing snacks. Nikki and I shared stories of our first year of motherhood and got into the deep and dark world of PND. We ended up both in tears.
Nikki is a wonderful mother and Phoebe is truly thriving. It was such an honour to be entrusted with her story, and I’m so impressed with her bravery and honesty. When planning this article Nikki said to me multiple times, “If my story can help just one woman then it’ll be worth it.”
Trigger warning: references to depression, abuse, childhood trauma
From left to right: Lottie, Phoebe and Nikki
Hey Nikki, tell us a bit about yourself and beautiful Phoebe.
I am 37 so have come to motherhood at a point in my life where I feel I’ve had plenty of opportunities to do my own thing and have adventures. I strongly felt that I did not want children for most of my life, I just couldn’t picture it for myself. However, after meeting my now-husband and getting married I began to feel that I didn’t not want a child any longer, but I didn’t feel strongly like I wanted one either. Each year we would have the chat about whether we should try and it never felt right. Then overnight something changed and I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking it! We agreed we would stop birth control and see what happened. Seven weeks later I was pregnant - I will never get over how lucky I feel to have been given that gift. It was a shock though as I didn’t expect it so soon.
How was your delivery?
I went 11 days over due but I wasn’t worried. I knew my girl would come when she was ready.
I was so lucky to have a wonderful delivery. It went exactly as I had hoped and I realise now how rare that can be and how lucky I was. Phoebe was born in a birthing pool in the birth centre after a very quick labour. I didn’t use any pain medication which was something I had felt was right for me and my baby. I had practised hypnobirthing techniques during my pregnancy and felt very calm during the birth.
Afterwards I felt so elated, truly empowered and strong, and the rush of love for my girl was just incredible.
When did you first feel your mental health begin to suffer?
I went through a very difficult time at work within weeks of finding out I was pregnant, having to deal with a very serious HR situation where my character was called into question. I believe my anxiety started there. I started to feel the concern that something would happen to my baby because I didn’t deserve her, because I wasn’t a good person.
Aside from the stress at work, I also travelled a lot throughout my pregnancy and had a lot of ‘thinking’ time where I would imagine awful scenarios and cry all the way home. I wondered what sort of mother I would be, and feared being a mental burden to my child.
I also withdrew from my partner during my pregnancy. I wanted everything to be perfect for the baby and became hyper focused on the smallest things.
When I was 30 I had sought counselling for depression. I had been diagnosed with PTSD and an attachment disorder, stemming from childhood trauma. I had an abusive father who bullied and hurt me, my mother and my brother. I was told I was nothing, and that I would amount to nothing. As a result I had self harmed for much of my teenage years and 20’s as I hated who I was and believed I was a bad person who did not deserve good things. I had a long term partner during this time who repeated cheated on me, and I believed that is what I deserved.
Do you think there was a catalyst moment that triggered PND?
Because of this history, and the fact that I was a high functioning, professional person and the difficulties at work during my pregnancy, I know I was predisposed to struggle. When I reflect on this time I believe I was suffering already from very early on but I masked it, as I had done for so much of my life, and wasn’t honest with anyone about how awful I felt.
Can you describe how it affected your day to day life as a mother?
When Phoebe was born it was absolutely the best moment of my life. I loved her so much already and couldn’t believe she was mine.
We instantly had feeding issues and had to syringe feed round the clock whilst trying to breastfeed. A midwife told me on day 5 that I was “probably starving” my daughter and I gave in to bottles, which she took easily and happily. I was so relieved she was eating and happy, but I felt like a failure. I thought, ‘The first thing I am meant to do for my child and I failed'. The awful feelings started creeping back in and replacing my joy.
Phoebe developed colic by two weeks old and refused to be put down. She cried in pain a lot and was only happy on me. Then, when Phoebe was three weeks old, my beloved Grannie, who I had a wonderful bond with, died. I had been unable to visit her as she lived hundreds of miles away and, whilst she had been deteriorating for a long time, I tortured myself for not being able to introduce her to Phoebe or say goodbye. It was an awful collision of emotionally challenging things; add in to the mix my existing poor mental health and postnatal hormones and I was not in a good place.
I pushed everyone away. I was terrified they would take my baby away if they knew how bad I felt. But I would also sit with my baby by the river, both of us crying, and wishing I could just put her down so I could get into the river and disappear.
I became frantic at home, unable to ever stop. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to eat, I walked miles with the baby each day because I couldn’t bare to be in the house. I felt lonely, lost, ungrateful, and so desperately sad that I was not able to enjoy my daughter - she deserved so much better. I suggested multiple times to my husband that we give her up for adoption because I couldn’t be the mummy she deserved. It was such a dark, awful time.
Tell us about the support you received from the NHS.
My mum encouraged me to reach out to my health visitor as she could see how bad it was getting, despite my efforts to continue functioning.
The health visitor was incredible. A GP phoned me and did a telephone assessment within a couple of hours of the HV contacting them. She referred me instantly to the perinatal mental health team and I was given a house visit that week with a psychiatrist for psychiatric assessment. It was so hard to be honest, I felt like the worst person in the world, I truly hated myself. My daughter was so precious, I didn’t deserve her.
The perinatal team assigned me my own mental health nurse who was incredible. I was prescribed antidepressants but was so reluctant to take them. Then, on a particularly bad colic day I was holding Phoebe who had been crying for hours. I was walking up and down our living room trying to soothe her. I felt such hatred for myself that I couldn’t make it better for her that I began to hit myself in the head repeatedly with my fist. Phoebe stopped crying and stared at me. She was about ten weeks old. It suddenly hit me that I wanted to be better for her and that motivated me to start the medication - it wasn’t about me, my morals and beliefs, it was all about her and who I wanted to be for her.
How are you feeling now, a year on?
I am still taking medication and I tell people that now. I have advocated using it to multiple mummy friends who are struggling beyond being able to “cope” with motherhood. But the shame I felt to begin with was crippling; about the PND, the medication, my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I still feel so sad I felt this, I loved my daughter so much, but I couldn’t stand how being a mother had made me feel about myself. It is going to take a long time to forgive myself. I accept that was my journey, and I can see now that I was a good mother to Phoebe no matter how much I hated myself - I gave every ounce of energy I could find into caring for her. I prioritised that, then punished myself at the end of the energy. I hate that I didn’t enjoy those first few months - I will never get that back and I feel robbed by that version of me. But, I can barely reconcile myself with that version now.
I adore my daughter. She’s bright, brave, funny and confident and I absolutely know that I have made her those things and for that I am proud.
Do you have any words of comfort or advice for other women who are suffering with their mental health during pregnancy or postpartum?
PND is the darkest most overwhelming and terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. I am proud to be surviving.
For anyone who might be struggling, whether you are pregnant or you have your baby here, please reach out. The perinatal mental health team helped save me, and talking therapy and medication have made me a better mummy for my girl.
My husband and I are still working on finding each other again. My mum and I are closer than ever - I certainly have new found respect for all mummies now!
Pheobe’s 2nd birthday is coming up in April. I came off my medication 4 months ago, it felt like the right time. I found the withdrawal period so difficult and really questioned if I was doing the right thing. All those emotions I had thought were gone were still there, but I feel much more able to handle them and have felt much happier in the new balance I am finding. I still have days where I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated but I approach them knowing they will pass and tomorrow will be better now.
The best thing my wonderful mental health nurse said to me was, “You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be good enough.” On my bad days I think of that and know I am giving my daughter everything she needs.
You can find information and support here:
PND treatment information from the NHS
