Letter to my newborn self
As her baby girl turned one-year-old, Bump & Baby Club writer, Lottie Lewis, looked back at her transformative year and decided to write a letter to her past self - the person she was in the earliest days of motherhood -in the hope of giving some comfort and reassurance to those currently deep in the newborn trenches.
Words and photos: Lottie LewisDear Newborn-Mum Lottie,
For someone who loves to get up and out, I know you’re finding this newborn stage tough. Suddenly you can’t manage to leave the house before 10am, you’re mostly nap trapped or pinned to the sofa cluster feeding, and you have to wait 6 weeks before going in the sea. Your body feels too tired to surf, run or cycle, and even navigating dog walks seems overwhelming. But I promise, this stage doesn’t last long. It’s hard to comprehend, but soon you’ll be diving into the ocean, going back to yoga, walking the dog with Bonnie snuggled in the carrier as the sun rises, and buggy running alongside the estuary.
Everyone said, “they grow up so fast”, but you didn’t believe it. Those first, colic-filled 3 months, when contact napping was the only way to get Bonnie to sleep, and nothing would settle her screaming, were the hardest weeks of your life. You constantly questioned, “Why is this so hard? Am I doing it wrong?” But one day, overnight, Bon will simply stop screaming, and smile. She will reach out and curl her tiny, pink hand around your finger. Suddenly she will sit up and you’ll start on solids. 10 months on and you’ll have a toddler, drunkenly doddering around the house, bumping into the table, clambering into the dog bed. In what feels like the blink of an eye, this tiny, dependent creature that couldn’t support their own neck or bear to be put down for even a second, will be running away from you down the garden.
You felt like you’d never get used to it. The relentlessness of the exhausting days and nights. The sudden rigidity of routine; feed, change, sleep, feed, change, sleep. Long gone were the days of travelling, surfing, exploring, sunset wines. I know that you thought that once pregnancy was over you’d get your life back and everything would revert to how it was. But post-birth you realised that wasn’t the case, and your life was now Bonnie’s life. You couldn’t see a way you’d ever have another adventure. In the darkest days, deep in the newborn trenches, you had no idea you’d go on a solo-parenting trip to Spain with Bon, navigating airports, catching up with old friends, exploring new cities and surfing in warmer waters whilst your baby plays on the beach, cared for by friends from past lives.
It will become second nature. It’s easy to get swept up in the wave of advice from well-meaning family and friends; she needs to learn how to self-soothe; don’t feed to sleep; never pick her up straight away; are her wake windows age appropriate? Being a new mum with no idea how to care for a tiny baby is tough, but give yourself time and grace. Be patient. I know it seems like chaos right now, with a screaming, blotchy baby in your arms and sick all down your back, but it doesn’t take long before mothering comes naturally to you. Meltdowns become a thing of the past, you’ve got Bonnie’s unique routine nailed and you will find what works perfectly for both of you. You will realise that all babies are different and you simply need to get to know each other. You’re going to be so proud of yourself.
Love as you know it will be redefined. You felt a bit worried at first, because you didn’t feel that immediate motherly love that everyone talks about. Later, when you held her at home, you felt tenderness, but the unconditional, truly heart aching love hadn’t yet washed over you. You worried it was postnatal depression or abnormal. But whilst you weren’t instantly floored by emotion, over time, without you even realising, you fell completely in love with your baby girl. Once a slow burner, you are now entirely obsessed. You love her more than you’ve ever loved anyone. She’s the best friend and missing part of yourself you never knew existed. Your daughter has given your life new depth and meaning - so don’t worry about the ‘love at first sight’ expectation, because your love for Bonnie will grow into something stronger than anything you’ve ever experienced.
Enjoy! You’re going to love it,
1 Year Old-Mum Lottie
