Meet The Instructor: Laura

Our antenatal instructor, Laura Hayward, has supported hundreds of families through their transition to parenthood and now, at 32 weeks pregnant, she’s on the journey herself. We caught up with her before teaching her antenatal class in West Norwood to hear about her excitement, nerves and her top tip for navigating the NHS maternity system.

Interview: Alex Kohansky
Photos: Lucy Morris

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Can you talk a bit about the process you went through to become pregnant?

My wife and I had fertility treatment as we’re a same-sex couple. I felt really fortunate to be told that I had no issues with my fertility when we had some basic tests done, but I still felt so surprised and full of gratitude that it worked first time. Our consultant told us there was a 5-15% chance of it working per cycle, so I couldn’t quite believe it!

Even though we were so fortunate, I think going through fertility treatment has given me a better understanding when looking after couples who’ve had challenges and a complicated journey to get pregnant.

How did you feel the moment you discovered you were pregnant?

Honestly, complete shock! I screamed then cried. I felt so full of joy but also apprehension. Because we discovered the news so early and it had all happened so quicky, I felt there was every chance something might go wrong! I think being a midwife and feeling like I ‘know too much’ exacerbated that!

How was the first trimester?

In many ways my first trimester was absolutely brilliant. I had minimal symptoms and was never physically sick, which I’m so grateful for. However, I did feel at times very nauseous and working clinically in the NHS was challenging. I have also spent some of my pregnancy feeling very anxious about miscarriage, something that’s extremely common and probably not spoken about enough.

I very sadly lost a friend of mine during this period and attended his funeral two days before my 12-week scan. The juxtaposition of carrying this new life while grieving for someone who’d just lost theirs was emotionally very challenging.

I’m so sorry to hear that. At that time was your pregnancy a secret from friends and family?

I told my mum I was pregnant immediately, followed by a few of my best friends. If something were to go wrong, they would be the people I’d want to share it with and need by my side for support. I didn’t really tell any colleagues, which made things difficult when I felt nauseous, but I wanted to keep this precious news close to my chest for a while. Saying that, when I did share with colleagues many of them said “Oh we knew!” That’s what happens when you work with lots of very emotionally intelligent midwives!

How was your 12-week scan?

We had already seen the baby’s heartbeat at 7 weeks, then again at 11 weeks, so my 12-week scan was maybe less anxiety-provoking or overwhelming than for those who haven’t even heard their own baby’s heartbeat yet.

My 11-week scan was actually a kind gesture from the Early Pregnancy Unit in the hospital where I work, owing to me trying and failing(!) to listen to my own’s baby’s heartbeat. Of course I couldn’t hear it - then I got worried. This was one of the first times I had the clear realisation that I cannot be a midwife to myself! It just doesn’t work.

I was mainly quite worried that the baby was developing as it should. I couldn’t help but remember all the times in my midwifery career when things haven’t been okay for someone. My wife, who is very rational and logical, kept reminding me to focus on the norm and what I see most within my practice – which is that everything is fine! So I held on to that and also recognised that this was the beginning of a journey where I had, in many respects, very limited control!

Laura teaching our West Norwood Club members

How did you feel during the second trimester ?

I didn’t really experience the surge of energy some women say they feel in the second trimester and generally felt quite tired. I think this was also down to my NHS clinical work – I have struggled at times being pregnant and being an NHS midwife. But I have loved witnessing the changes to my body - it has been an absolute joy and I’ve frankly been in awe!

Has pregnancy differed much from what you were expecting?

In some ways. I don’t think you can ever imagine how it feels to hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time or feel them kick or see their tiny body on a scan. The protection, love and anxiety I have felt for this small human has been such a privilege to experience and I think it’s given me even greater compassion for other parents.

How have you felt emotionally?

I have generally felt well and incredibly well supported by my wife, my mum and my close and wonderful circle of friends (midwives and others). However for the last few weeks I’ve felt quite anxious and overwhelmed at how much everything is going to change, and how much responsibility being a mother really is.

I am saying this because I think removing the stigma around motherhood and mental health is so important. Pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood can be a rocky road, full of love, raw emotion and messiness – I don’t think this is often portrayed on Instagram and social media and I don’t think our society is very good at supporting new mothers, parents and families. I have been reading a lot about matrescence and how the female brain changes during the transition to motherhood. This is an area I’m really interested in and think should be discussed more.

How are you feeling about the birth?

I actually can’t wait! I am so excited to experience this for myself after having the privilege of facilitating hundreds of births during my midwifery career. I am definitely apprehensive about how it will be though and how I might feel. I am hoping for a vaginal birth, with minimal intervention and with midwives that I trust. I know this may not happen in the way that I want it to but, as long as I feel truly informed and that all decisions are ones that I’ve made, that is okay. Ultimately, babies choose how and when they need to be born. So I am focusing on my hypnobirthing practice and know that, alongside the female body being designed to give birth, some babies need some help to be born and that is okay!

How are you feeling about the early days of motherhood?

I can’t quite believe that after catching so many babies and placing them in the arms of their parents, I will get to bring my baby home forever! I can’t wait to meet them, to see who they are (we don’t know their gender) and to get to know them. It honestly feels like the biggest privilege. I am also quite overwhelmed at the thought of being responsible for keeping this small human alive and am nervous about how that might feel - midwives feel that anxiety too!

Have you given any thought to your self-care after birth or a plan to protect your mental health?

I have been considering this a lot lately and am yet to put a plan in place, but it’s something I will definitely do in the next few weeks. I also plan to try and do some batch cooking before my baby arrives! Eating healthy meals is really important but can be so challenging. I have often gone to home visits and found parents who are anxiously trying to get their babies to feed, yet haven’t eaten a thing themselves. This is additionally important when breastfeeding – it is a cliché, but you cannot pour from an empty cup.

I know that I will need some time to myself – that feels so important. I have a therapist who I will contact as/when I feel I need to, and believe that there is no such thing as ‘visitors’ when you’ve had a newborn baby, only helpers! It is not a new mother or parents’ job to provide lunch or tea for visitors – they can bring the lunch, help you put on a wash or bring some milk to the house. I plan to utilise the support from friends and family because raising a child requires an entire village!

You speak very openly about the challenges facing midwives in the NHS and their working conditions - is this something you're mindful of as you consider your birth preferences and go through the system yourself?

I have thought about this a lot and am cautious that what I say could influence other people’s decisions - so it’s important to be clear that I’m making decisions based on my own experiences, beliefs and pregnancy journey, and encourage everyone to do the same. My plan for labour is to remain at home for as long as I feel able to and comfortable, then go to hospital to labour and birth at the Birth Centre. I also plan to have a ‘Birth Meeting’ with my birth partners (my mum and my wife), to make clear what I am hoping for and when I might need them to advocate for me. It’s important that we can work together as a team and that I can rely on them to be my voice whilst I do the work of labouring and birthing.

My main message to women going through the system is to please, please do your birth prep. I know there is so much to read and digest and that it can be too much. But at the same time, please don’t go blindly into the process without having some idea about what it is that you (both) want, or do not want. The reality is that NHS Maternity Care is generally very, very safe. Make sure that you ask questions to ensure decisions you make are not only informed, but personalised. And finally, if something doesn’t make sense or you have concerns, don’t hesitate to speak up.

Do you think your experience is going to shape how you practise as a midwife and how you teach antenatal classes?

I have often been asked by student midwives if they think you become a ‘better’ midwife after you have children yourself - it’s an interesting question but I don’t think it’s the case at all. But going through the journey so far myself has deepened my sense of how special, unique and often overwhelming this time can be, and therefore how important the role of a midwife is. I have felt such reliance on my own midwife when I’ve needed reassurance or support. I’ve also absolutely loved being able to share experiences and anxieties with my antenatal groups, it’s really felt like we are in it all together!

Can you describe the best thing about being a midwife?

To stand alongside a woman or birthing person and their family at the time of pregnancy and childbirth is one of life’s greatest privileges. Seeing birth is such a joy that I can’t quite put it into words!

I do sometimes wonder how long I will stay being a midwife in the NHS though, but I don’t think I will ever stop being a midwife – it feels part of who I am and is such an important part of my identity. Seeing a woman or birthing person say something like “I can’t quite believe I just did THAT!” after birth is truly magical. Birth is so powerful and raw, it’s an honour to witness it.

Another hugely important part of my role as a midwife I feel is delivering birth education. I love teaching my antenatal classes. When it comes to birth trauma, we know that it is often related to how in control and informed women and birthing people felt when they made the decisions that got them there. To be part of the process in ensuring people feel prepared and empowered is so important to me and gives me a great sense of purpose.