“Shock, happiness and just a really amazing feeling.”

Birth was far from straightforward for Herne Hill Club member, Lorna Reed - but she feels nothing but positive about the whole experience. Ten months down the line she spoke to us about how it unfolded, the moment she met her baby, Alber, and the joys and challenges of motherhood so far.

Photos: Lucy Morris
Interview: Alex Kohansky

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How did you feel when you first discovered you were pregnant? 

Even though it was planned, seeing the positive pregnancy test was probably the biggest shock I've ever had in my life. Way bigger than when my husband, James, proposed. It’s so much bigger than anything you could ever expect. I was terrified though!

What were you most fearful of?

Knowing the only way that this little precious thing is now going to come out is for me to give birth!

Was it the physical side of things that was making you fearful, rather than the emotional?

Yes, it was definitely the physical side. Emotionally, I did feel ready and I always knew I wanted to have kids, but I was terrified of what it could mean for my body (from a medical perspective), because anything could happen. Anything could go wrong, anything could change. That was scary.

After taking the pregnancy test, James and I cycled to work together in silence. We were just a bit like, “Woah, this is really happening!" Then it was very weird being at work the whole day pretending that everything is fine, but freaking out inside!

What was that first trimester like in terms of symptoms and emotions?

I had quite bad morning sickness and found it really helpful to go to the supermarket and just walk around - that way I could spot the food that I knew would make me feel better. I would immediately know what it was. Sometimes it was pickled onion Monster Munch or green apples, but it changed from week to week. I was like, "What's it going to be this week?" Then I’m in the bread aisle and I’m like, "That's it: bagels!” 

Then all these other weird things start happening, like the shower water started smelling really really strongly of garlic. The whole first trimester it just stank, so I was finding it hard to shower! Then it was really exciting going for the scans and appointments and getting into this brand new world.

How was your 12-week scan? 

It was amazing. James was very worried about it - he didn’t even want to discuss names until we’d had the scan and knew everything was okay. But I had a strong feeling that everything was fine so it was very exciting for me. Seeing your baby for the first time on the screen is just amazing.

Was the rest of the pregnancy smooth sailing?

Yes, pretty much. The second trimester was bliss, it's the golden one, isn't it? And during the third trimester I felt like a giant ball that couldn’t move! My feet swelled up so much by the end of it.

What was going through your mind during the later stages of pregnancy? 

It's just such a weird time - a real mix of nervous and excited. My pregnancy had been fine the whole way through and I think that really helped me relax. I became more and more positive the further along I went and felt I was on track for the birth to be ok. I had read quite a few positive birth stories and many of my friends had given birth just using gas and air - they had some amazing stories so, generally, I felt very positive.

I was definitely a bit scared though. It's a major event to your body, whatever happens, but I'm the kind of person that's like, "What will be will be. Let's see what happens!” 

I was very sure I was going to get an epidural. I had no pretences or concerns about that - I was going to get it. I wrote down my preferences but I certainly had no fixed plan for the birth. I didn't want to plan it because I was 99% sure it wouldn't go that way. Also, I had total trust in the medical professionals who deliver babies day in, day out.

How were the last few days before you went into labour?

I found that period of time really difficult actually, both physically and emotionally. I was 10 days overdue and remember crying quite a bit and thinking, ”Why am I not giving birth yet - is there something wrong?"

I had a very strong feeling that I didn't want to be induced. I don't really know why, but, I guess, it felt unnatural. So I was bouncing on my ball every day and doing everything that the experts recommend. I don't really believe in the eating curry thing and I was certainly not having sex - there was no way I was going to be doing that at that time! But I do believe in the oxytocin / serotonin boost - how the happy hormones and emotions can kick start labour - and it seemed to work for me..!

Tell me about that..?!

James and I went to a gig by the Milk Carton Kids, who are the most wonderful band - two very talented guys with their guitars. I cry at every gig I go to of theirs! Someone came over and gave me a cushion as they could see how heavily pregnant I was. So I was really comfortable and the music made me very emotional, then suddenly some abdominal pain started coming and I was like, “Yes!" - I was so happy for that pain! I had been waiting for 10 days for this thing, hoping every day it would happen. I was so excited that something had actually twinged. I was like, "Okay, I think we're on the move, it's happening now…” 

Was there a moment in that gig where you're like, "Oh gosh, I should get home quickly"? 

No, it wasn't so strong. It was just like heavy period pains that were coming and going a bit and I really didn't want to miss the gig! Then the pain dipped right down and only came back the following night. I actually had a sweep booked in for the next morning, which was good timing. We had the sweep with a wonderful, gentle midwife, and it all ramped up after that.

Can you talk through the various phases of the labour and birth?

The sweep took place around 11am, then I went home and James went to work. Nothing happened until 6pm, when I started experiencing strong contractions. Weirdly, I had asked James to be home by 6pm and that’s exactly when the contractions came in full force. When he arrived he found me on the sofa, on all fours. Then we did all the various things to relax. I had a bath which really, really helped take the pain away. I lay on the bed for a bit watching Schitt's Creek - as I knew watching something funny could encourage the happy hormones to flow.

We were timing the contractions and James rang the hospital. They told him we had to wait until the contractions were 3 mins apart before coming in. After a few hours the contractions were 4 minutes apart - we rang the hospital again because I was struggling with the pain but again they wanted me to hang on at home.  Then the contractions got even more intense. We rang the hospitals again and this time they were like, "Yes, we can hear she's not handling that well!" - so we went in. They examined me straight away and I was only 1 centimetre dilated which wasn’t the news I wanted to hear!

After about 4 hours of gas and air, plus a pethidine injection, the team agreed to give me an epidural. I was 2 centimeters dilated at the time. I had previously been quite scared of the idea of a needle going into my spine but, by that point, I was like, “Just stick it in me - do what you need to do!”

We went into the private room, I had the epidural and the relief was amazing. I loved it. But after some time the epidural machine malfunctioned. I don’t really know what happened but it started beeping and the pain came back very strongly. We had to wait for the anesthetist to come out of theatre to resolve the issue, which took about an hour but it felt like 10! Finally he came back and fixed the machine, but then I started getting these weird pains down the right hand side of my back. They thought it was the epidural not working again but it turned out to be my kidney… 

I can’t explain it in medical terms, but I think my baby’s head was blocking my bladder and my kidney was not happy. That was excruciating. At that time I was also on a drip to help me dilate, so quite a lot was happening! Then they recommended a C-section.

What was your mindset like with all of that going on? 

On the face of it I was relatively calm, probably because everything wasn’t happening intensely in one short period of time - it was stretched out over 30 hours. I had quite a lot of time to just sit there and contemplate and process the whole thing. Everything was carefully explained to me and I had complete trust in the medical team. When they mentioned the c-section I was actually like, "Yes, cool. C-section, that's fine." I was ready for my baby to come.

How was the C-section?

That was a bit scary because I was suddenly in a very intense and very medical situation. I know c-sections happen all the time and are very routine but, at the same time, I was like, "I’m awake, they’ve numbed half of my body and are about to take out my child - this is quite intense!” But I knew it was the right thing to do and had full confidence that it needed to happen.

Can you describe the moment you met Alber?

They lowered the curtain down and he was huge - much bigger than I expected - and covered in mucus and all that. He was wailing and his face was all screwed up. I was like, “Good lord!” I have to be honest, I didn't feel the intense love people talk about at that point but I immediately knew I would do anything for this thing. I was completely overcome with emotion and sort of in shock, because this baby I’m now looking at was inside me a minute ago. You’ve grown a human and it's just been pulled out of you. It’s wild. So it was shock, happiness and just a really amazing feeling. 

After everything you went through with the birth, how do you feel about your experience overall?

I have to say, I feel very positive about the birth and have had no negative thoughts at all. I just see the whole thing as an amazing experience. I came out of it ok, we're both here, we're both healthy. There was no physical or emotional long-lasting trauma or thing that happened that I considered to be bad. Maybe part of the reason I feel so positive about it is because, within 24 hours, I had fallen completely head over heels in love with Alber - and he was the product of that experience.

What happened in the days after the birth?

We were in hospital for the following four days because they had to scan my kidney - we had to wait for that, then wait for the results before they were happy to send us home. But that stay in hospital was actually really useful. We had a button that you could press and say, 'I need help with this,’ then someone comes along and tells you all the answers. It was amazing. As soon as you get home, you miss that. You're like, “oh, no, I've got more questions and no button!”

We also had some visitors in hospital which was lovely. People came and went and we loved showing off Alber. It was wonderful. I cherished that time, actually. 

Then how was it being at home?

It was similar. It’s so nice to be back in your home environment and sleeping in your own bed. Having a home-cooked meal as soon as we got back was lovely. The first night together as a little family in your home is really special. James was off work and we had a great time with people coming to visit and bringing food and nice things. The hard work began after that!

What have been some of the most challenging moments of motherhood?

Alber isn’t a good sleeper, which has been very tough. The first four months were fine. Then he had the regression and began waking up four or five times a night. My brain was functioning around 20% because sleep is so important to me - I just can’t function without it. Then there was an element of James feeling a bit like, “God, I've got to pick up the slack here. I've totally lost my wife to sleep deprivation. She's not the same person. She can't think. We can barely have a conversation.” 

Also, I needed my parents to come up quite a lot and stay with us to help out, and it’s very intense having four adults living in our small flat, all trying to muck in. My communication started breaking down with James a bit because of that. I was also working at that time. I only had statutory maternity pay, which obviously isn’t enough to survive or pay a mortgage, so I started working for an architecture practice two days a week. Also, I had recently started up my own business, an estate agency, called Bonnington Square, which needed lots of attention. I think lack of money and lack of sleep is probably one of the two worst combinations for a couple to have to deal with. That was definitely really challenging but it got a lot better and we got through it.

When you become new parents, you both have to navigate  this new world and you're getting to know each other again, but this time as parents. You are different people from who you were before. I think it’s very challenging for a couple, any couple, however strong and solid. I was listening to Michelle Obama talk about this and she was like, “We hated each other for 10 years but you get through it.” I thought, if the Obamas did it, then we'll be fine! 

It's one of those things that just doesn't get spoken about enough…

I definitely think everyone should book in couples therapy early in their parenthood journey, just to navigate things and to talk things through with their partner. It's so hard!

What would you say has been your biggest joy of motherhood so far? 

Probably seeing Alber discover stuff. When he first laughed, I was like, “Oh my God, that is so precious!” Or if he finds something funny, or if he discovers a toy that he really loves. Probably his journey of discovery is the biggest joy for me.

Has there been a big lesson you would want to pass on to somebody who's early in their journey?

That's a tough one because I know everyone is different, but my biggest top tip would be to not plan anything and just chill out about things as much as possible. Just expect the unexpected, get a tens machine, book in couples therapy and make sure you've got mat leave pay!

How has work and your career fitted around motherhood?

About a year before Alber was born, I set up my own estate agency on the side. I have always really liked the idea of being an estate agent (but also I hated it because everyone hates estate agents!), and this was my big dream. I am really interested in the way people live and how they design their homes, as well as things like housing policy, development and planning. I was thinking about all of this when I noticed homelessness growing during the pandemic, then I had a light bulb moment - we should link house-buying and homelessness. So I set up my socially conscious estate agency, Bonnington Square. For every house sold, I sponsor a bed for homeless youth for a whole year.

I was building the agency throughout pregnancy and continued straight afterwards, right up until now. I’m really proud of what it’s become. 

Do you think having your business helped you to keep a sense of your  pre-motherhood identity?

I think I'm the kind of person that would've gone a bit stir crazy if I hadn’t been working. I needed this project on the side, or something to keep me going through the early stages of motherhood and beyond. Maybe people are nervous to say that because they think it comes across like you don't love your baby enough, or you're not ‘into motherhood,’ but that's not the case at all obviously - I'm absolutely obsessed with Alber and love him more than anything. I would do anything for him but all the baby talk, the playing with toys all day, the talking about mum stuff - it’s a lot. I needed something else, another outlet, otherwise I would've felt like I’d lost myself to this new world of babies, which I didn't want to fully be in, I guess.

Do you feel like you are the same person you were before Alber arrived? 

I'm definitely not the same person. I don't know if anyone can be the same after having a baby. This is one of the most major things that will ever happen in your life, if it’s something you choose to do.

At my core I'm probably the same - I still feel very positive as a person - but I’m more emotional. When you have a baby you start to see life as a whole, rather than just the little snippet that you happen to be in. When you're a kid, you think you’ll always be a kid. Then you’re at uni and you think you’ll always be young. But once you have a baby you start seeing how one day you will be old - you start seeing the whole picture of life very clearly.

Yes time takes on a completely different meaning with kids. And the days can feel long but the years go by quickly!

Every time I feel exhausted or like I don't want to be changing his nappy, I try to say to myself, “Just look at this moment in time that you are in - you've got this wonderful, wonderful baby who you're going to miss when he’s a teenager and doesn’t want to know you!”

This is a really blessed moment, that’s for sure… My parents are both healthy, James has got both of his parents, my brother and sister are both healthy, James and I are together, we're working it all out. Every now and then I really try to take a moment and go, ‘Everyone's fine. This is an amazing, amazing time. Enjoy it while it lasts.'